something I've gotten good at: worry
I used to not really worry about stuff; I'd worry about people that I love, but not just worry just because. Well, lately I've been worrying a lot. "Obsessing" could be used. "Over-calculating" even. I have .54 in my checking account, less than a quarter of a tank of gas, no promises of a pay check until the 28th, and no certainty of a job after the 9th of June. Anytime I drive somewhere that's not work, I nervously watch my gas tank meter to see how much it moves; when I eat, I purposely drink a lot of water with it because I don't know when I'll be able to get more food so I try to fill up with water and wishes. I try to distract myself with tv, movies, and sleep so that I won't sit around obsessing about how/when things will stop sucking. I'm worrying.
This time in my life is nothing like I imagined; but of course I've never imagined myself ever worrying and especially not about food, gas, and jobs. The uncertainty of everything has inadvertently taught me how to worry, there's never been a time in my life where I calculated everything and got it (my plans) all right in my head and then nothing goings the way I had planned. Not to say that I've gotten everything I've ever planned/hoped for, it's just I never really planned/calculated in a grande scheme.
There have certainly been times in my childhood when my family was running really low on money/food/cars, but I didn't fully understand the urgency because we don't talk about money in my family. My parents were/are very proud people, they don't want their children, or anyone else, to know that they're in a financial bind. So when we were low on food at home, it was simply because we needed to go to the store, not because we had to choose between food and some bill expense. I believe this is partially responsible for me being too prideful and ashamed to ask for help. But I'm trying to bust out of that disposition. This doesn't mean I'm gonna become a beggar, it just means that I'm going to be honest and ask for help when I need it from the people who I know care about me. It's still uncomfortable for me, but I'm trying. Friday, I finally called my dad and explained the situation about my paycheck and asked for money. He said he didn't have any money either (hard financial times at home) but that he would do what he could to help. This, surprisingly, didn't make me feel better. If he's struggling and I'm struggling, who's gonna take care of all of us?
I tend to be very generous with my money. I don't necessarily spend it frivolously, but I do like to share what I have with others if I know that I can financially afford to. I really like sharing and it makes me feel uncomfortable that I can't share right now. It makes me feel selfish and small minded. Anyway, I anticipate finally being able to make food for others and sending packages to friends and meeting someone for coffee (although I don't drink it) then paying for theirs. I don't think there's anything wrong with that stuff, in moderation with the right motivation. I know how it blesses me when people do that stuff for me and I want to bless people; we all need little blessings to remind us that we're loved.
Oh dear, it seems I've gotten off subject. Well, all I'm saying is that there's a new side of me: the worrying side. I do not like it here and hope to submit it to God, but it's here, nonetheless.
This time in my life is nothing like I imagined; but of course I've never imagined myself ever worrying and especially not about food, gas, and jobs. The uncertainty of everything has inadvertently taught me how to worry, there's never been a time in my life where I calculated everything and got it (my plans) all right in my head and then nothing goings the way I had planned. Not to say that I've gotten everything I've ever planned/hoped for, it's just I never really planned/calculated in a grande scheme.
There have certainly been times in my childhood when my family was running really low on money/food/cars, but I didn't fully understand the urgency because we don't talk about money in my family. My parents were/are very proud people, they don't want their children, or anyone else, to know that they're in a financial bind. So when we were low on food at home, it was simply because we needed to go to the store, not because we had to choose between food and some bill expense. I believe this is partially responsible for me being too prideful and ashamed to ask for help. But I'm trying to bust out of that disposition. This doesn't mean I'm gonna become a beggar, it just means that I'm going to be honest and ask for help when I need it from the people who I know care about me. It's still uncomfortable for me, but I'm trying. Friday, I finally called my dad and explained the situation about my paycheck and asked for money. He said he didn't have any money either (hard financial times at home) but that he would do what he could to help. This, surprisingly, didn't make me feel better. If he's struggling and I'm struggling, who's gonna take care of all of us?
I tend to be very generous with my money. I don't necessarily spend it frivolously, but I do like to share what I have with others if I know that I can financially afford to. I really like sharing and it makes me feel uncomfortable that I can't share right now. It makes me feel selfish and small minded. Anyway, I anticipate finally being able to make food for others and sending packages to friends and meeting someone for coffee (although I don't drink it) then paying for theirs. I don't think there's anything wrong with that stuff, in moderation with the right motivation. I know how it blesses me when people do that stuff for me and I want to bless people; we all need little blessings to remind us that we're loved.
Oh dear, it seems I've gotten off subject. Well, all I'm saying is that there's a new side of me: the worrying side. I do not like it here and hope to submit it to God, but it's here, nonetheless.
sometimes you gotta let go and let others serve you. I KNOW IT SUCKS! haha
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