Today (technically yesterday) marks the 15th day of my turning 27. Normally, I don't care about that kind of thing and it's really not a big deal, but I was reflecting a lot today on the past two weeks. Really, nothing that I hoped would happen has happened and random shit that I would've never imagined happened (is that cryptic enough?).
>My actual birthday didn't go as originally planned, but it ended up being perfect. I spent the day with family and Mexican food and day drinking; and spent the evening with a group of people who gave (give) me so much joy. I probably had a giddy grin on my face the whole night. I woke up the next day and was pleasantly not hungover; I woke up feeling intensely satisfied and loved and accepted.
>I had hoped that I would soon hear back from this one particular job that I want really badly, but that hasn't happened (yet). The job hunt is disappointing and discouraging. I hate finding a job that you've been waiting for your whole life and casting your coin in the lottery hoping to hear from them. I hate that restaurants are all like "you don't have enough experience" when this skill is something I could just learn. I hate how I don't know what I want to do until I find this amazing job, then I have to just hope that they look my way, but they never do. I hate it. A friend of mine pointed out that many people would like to kinda have my life right now in which I can do what I want to do when I want and I get what she was saying, but I also need a freaking job.
>I'm reading this book called The Great Cosmic Mother: Rediscovering the Religion of the Earth. It's pretty much changing my life. In short, it goes through the history of the world, from the very beginning/creation, to modern times but with women. I had never really thought about how heavy handed the patriarchy tells the story of the world. It's always MALES were doing this and MALES thought this, but never are women really brought into the picture of how the world came to be. This book does that and proves how women have been much more integral in civilization than we are taught. (I'm not doing this book justice.) This book has me thinking of God (yes, even the Christian one) as a female. Honestly, it just makes more sense that way.
> Charlotte has been feeling really small to me lately. I'm from Charlotte and moved back to it after graduating from University which means I've seen Charlotte through the eyes of a child and adult. Recently I feel like every 'new' person I meet isn't really new because they know someone else I already have known. Last week, this guy walks into this weekly meeting I go to and I remember him in the exact classes I took in middle and high school and even a pretty detailed story about him. Perhaps I'm feeling a little trapped or maybe Charlotte's shrinking.
> So I was doing fine, in fact I was really excited about this group of friends I was growing to be a part of. They are funny and talented and intelligent and eclectic and I felt/feel so happy and humbled to be welcomed into their circle. I felt like we were clicking, then I fucked up. Hopefully not for good. One stupid decision messed up the dynamics of things and I'm worried that I've lost these people forever. This makes me sad because I want them in my life, like I intentionally chose/choose these people to be in my life instead of them just being in it via circumstance/convenience. I've mentioned before how I don't have a lot of friends, I'm cool with that as long as the friends I do have are quality; currently I feel like I have less (like no friends at all). So now I'm awaiting the verdict of whether or not I will 'let back in'...the suspense is killing me.