Sunday, July 5, 2015

Friend faux paw

I was hanging with a friend the other day when I met a friend of her and her husband's. He apparently took a liking to me and offered to buy me a drink, he just "wanted to buy a drink for a pretty lady." I declined because I didn't want him to get the wrong idea/lead him on. She, my friend, then came over and asked why I didn't accept his invitation, I replied that I wasn't interested in his offer, although he seemed like a great guy. She then basically tried to convince me to try dating men again, as if now will yield different results from all those times before.

This is a close friend of mine who, although her mom is gay, sometimes says some ignorant stuff about the LGBTQIA community. Typically, I try to educate/correct her, but this time she was persistent. And I was made really uncomfortable and offended.

I'm not bisexual, although I did toy with the idea whenever I first realized my attraction to women was more than platonic. But all the soul-searching always leaves me with the same answer, I'm hella gay. I tried explaining to her the difference between aesthetic attraction (something I have for men and women) and having every other type of attraction (romantic, sexual, etc) for solely women. But she wouldn't listen. This pissed me off.

All that to say: when a friend who is different from you is trying to explain something about a part of who they are, you listen and learn. Don't be an asshole.

Mutuals

I had a necessary/awkward/good(?)/brief/deep conversation with someone, a friend, recently that has me feeling some type of way. Long story short:
I was going out with this woman, Pam (not her real name), and things were going great, then things started going less great, but I wanted to hang on because I really liked her and it's in my nature to allow people to repeatedly treat me like shit and still stay loyal to them. She broke it off with me and immediately dived into another relationship with Jan (another pretend name). Pam comes to my place one night to hang out and she reveals that she doesn't like Jan as much as she initially did and has cold feet about marrying Jan, and she doesn't really love her that way anymore; I try to give her advice, stuff like 'it's okay to have doubt as long as you're being honest with Jan about what's going on' and 'when you love someone you have to accept the stuff you don't like about them in addition to all the stuff you do.' We get super drunk and she cheats on Jan with me. Fast forward like a month down the line, Pam kicks Jan out and they have officially broken it off. Pam tries using me afterwards and now her and I don't talk, but Jan and I are cool.

When Jan and I talked in this aforementioned conversation, she mostly talked, but the biggest thing that hit me was how both our relationships with Pam were quite unhealthy. I hate admitting that, but it's true. When I was in the relationship I let so much slide, things that I now can clearly see were really shitty of her to do/say to me, but she had this power over me. I was deeply smitten. Even after she broke it off with me and then with Jan, I still remained my loyal-to-the-end self, always trying to depict Pam in her best light, always defending her. One day I snapped out of it and realized how much wholly healthier I am without her in my life.

Jan thanked me because that terrible situation ended their relationship before it went deeper into the abusive pattern. But really, I wanted to thank her for distracting Pam, because Pam ended it with me because of Jan, and that cut our terrible, tumultuous relationship short.

So I guess we can mutually thank each other.