Think the thoughts, feel the feels...write it down

internally panicking every time an unfamiliar number appears on my screen because this could be the call that iterates the news of a family or friend who was murdered by police literally being scared of walking my dog in my neighborhood of two years holding my breath and clinching my jaw every time police pulls up behind or next to me while driving having to choke back the tears and anger every time I have to go to work after another Black hashtag has been created panicking every time a police drives by me in my predominately white neighborhood never getting rest because I never stop being Black.

You ever have those shower thoughts in which you revisit a memory out of nowhere and re-frame and rephrase? So now the memory is awkwardly mixed with what actually happened and what you wish you had said and realized at the time...I had that moment today, in the shower. Out of seemingly nowhere I revisited a memory from 2ish years ago when I was living in Concord with four other women and was in a really bad head space and heart space and literal space. I had been doing a lot of soul-searching and self-realization and was acting on it; my roommates didn't like it. I was transforming from the always smiling, (secretly) self-depricating, self-scapgoating, and exorbitantly self-sacrificing person that was so easy for everyone to doormat and 'love' to a woke, self-realized, self-loving, strong woman. I started speaking up for myself and asking for what I needed and addressing issues when they arose to the people who were part of the issues. In short, I stopped letting myself