Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Missionary Miscarriage

Hello, so I'm not going to Argentina in the near future with Campus Crusade for Christ.  At base, I was only at 51% support raised and I cannot go underfunded.  I've been describing this process of coming to terms with not going as a miscarriage.  I have never been pregnant and so I have never miscarried, but I have often heard of things being 'spiritually birthed' and that's what I'm basing this on.  I hope, and don't think it will, this analogy doesn't offend anyone, but it's truly how I feel.

As many women have felt called their whole life to be mothers, to have lot's of babies with their amazing husband: I have felt called to be a missionary, to do lots of things with and for my amazing Lover.  When the time was right, the moment finally came, she became pregnant and she knew it: finally I was called to be a missionary to Argentina when I graduated from school, I was so excited!  She went to the Lamaze classes, ate the right food, did a gift registry at Babes-r-Us: I went to Intern Kickoff Weekend (where I signed a bunch of papers and learned how to raise support), read lots of books, raised support.  All along she was trying not to stress out/worry or overexert because she didn't want to taint the beauty of the pregnancy and the birth: I tried to depend on God to bring the money in, instead of me trying to worry it in, because I didn't want to become jaded amongst other things.  Matthew 6:25-34 tells us to not be anxious/worry, we tried to adhere to that.  As the pregnancy progressed, she noticed a few discomforts, but she didn't want to over-analyze, so she trusted that things would be fine:  as I continued to raise support, I noticed how hard it was coming in, but I didn't want to worry and therefore distrust God.  Some people discouraged her about being a mother, saying that she should just put the child up for adoption or should have just adopted, but she's felted called to be a mommy for as long as she can remember and wants it more than anything else: some people said I should just call it quits because there was noway that amount of money would come in, others said that it was wrong for me to go overseas because there are plenty of people that need God here in the States, but I have felt called to be an overseas missionary for as long as I can remember and I want it badly, probably more than I want anything else.  Towards the end of her pregnancy things didn't seem to be going well, she didn't feel a lot of movement and feared the worse, but she didn't want to throw in the towel, she'd fight for her child because she loved it:  towards the end of support raising things weren't looking good, money had been coming in slowly and unsteadily, but I didn't want to quit because I love missions and that call hasn't gone away.  She panicked when others told her that it wasn't looking good and she should abort, but she trusted in God to give her a healthy child; I panicked when bosses told me to quit, but I didn't want to stifle God if He so chose to move and work.  So here she is on her due date scared and confused and anxiously waiting to see what's going to happen: so here I am at my deadline scared and confused and anxiously waiting to see what's going to happen.  She goes to the hospital...but low and behold the baby is not alive; she's terrified and confused and ashamed and hurting:  I am sitting at the Father's feet...but low and behold I am not going to Argentina soon; I'm terrified and confused and ashamed and hurting.  We're exhausted.

But the good news for her is that this isn't the end, she can try again, that call to be a mother is still there: this isn't the end for me, I will try again (I don't know in what capacity), that call to be a missionary overseas is still there!  While we don't understand why the Lord brought us through such a hard season we trust in His sovereignty in our lives and love Him no less because we cannot fully understand Him.  She didn't go through this alone, she had an amazing husband and an even more amazing God: I did not go through this alone, I have excellent friends, family, and supporters and an even more excellent Lover.

I don't know what the Lord has for me in my immediate/distant future, but I will do my best not to fret over it.  God is no less sovereign, good, or wise when we do not understand His plan or when we are hurting.  There are a whole slew of emotions and questions that I have, but the above is the big picture and a very accurate one of my journey through this season in my life.  I have learned much about God and my's relationship, and our relationship has changed for the better.  I do not know a lot/anything about my life right now, but I know God holds my future and that will have to be enough for me.
"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters.  Amen."  Galatians 6:18

In Christ's Love,

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Single and Free!

Hello, I apologize for not posting in so long, I've been busy raising support; I'm currently at 50% and must be at 100% by the end of this month, so I've been working and praying very hard!

Today I spoke at a former church of mine; I went there with my family when I was a little child.  I was so grateful to come back and share how the Lord has been working in my life and where He is taking me.  Afterwards, I was talking to a member about my ministry in more detail and told her how grateful I am to be available to do this.

I'm so excited to be able to serve the Lord in this capacity, especially since I've wanted to be a missionary for so long!  What a great time it is in my life to go abroad; I have no children, husband, mortgage, etc.  While all those things are not wrong and are great at the right time, in the right order, God hasn't chosen to given those to me just yet, which is great because it makes me available for serving in a way Paul talks about to the Corinthians.   In First Corinthians 7:17 Paul tells us to "Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him."  God has called me to Argentina, I am assigned to be a missionary there for the time being.  He goes on to say in verses 34 and 35 "...And the unmarried and unbetrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in the body and spirit.   But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband.  I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord."  Since I have no husband to tend to, I am free to secure my undivided devotion to the Lord!  How great is that?!

As a single woman, I intend to give God my all; when/if I get married, I will serve the Lord by being a godly wife to my godly husband.  Either way, I want to be obedient to what the Lord has called me to, single or married.  No one knows what their future holds, but we can all be sure, as believers in the Most High God, Who holds their future.  As

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Week 30 of raising support

Hello, this was my 30th week of support raising.  How exhausting, I've been raising support for over half a year and I'm only at 35%.  What is the deal?  I got a call from someone I admire greatly and she was encouraging, but also broke the news that if I'm not at or above 80% by December 15th I won't be going to Argentina.  This put me in a tizzy and made me cry and made me feel a little crazy.  But it also lit a fire under me.  I've working hard, but now I'm working harder.  I have nothing else to really say, other than please pray for the support to come in, please give so that the support does come in, and please give contacts for me to contact for me to go.  I cannot do this by myself, it is impossible, you can be an important part of this ministry.