Tuesday, March 27, 2012

How to be a customer

I work a few jobs, they all deal heavily with people.  As a person who serves people in a few different capacities (nanny, food service employee, teacher), I am offering my advice on how to be on the receiving end of people who serve you.  You're welcome.

1) Read before you ask questions. EX: You want to know what flavors we have available today, oddly enough, ALL of our yogurt flavors are labeled with not just the name, but nutritional info is available.  I will not recite all the yogurt flavors to you (unless you are blind) because I have better things to do.
2) If your child is screaming, don't bring them in the store.  We don't want to hear it.
3) I'm not going to lie to you, I have better things to use my energy and creativity on. EX:  When I say your child is behaving in a manner that is prohibiting other children to learn by screaming and humping things, I'm serious.  I don't 'have it in' for your child, I'm not trying to embarrass you (you're child is doing a great job of that by himself), I'm just tired of dealing with barbarians and would like you to start parenting.
4) Be more observant.  EX: You ask me if this is yogurt or ice cream and my question to you is: does the sign to the shop have the word 'yogurt' in it? (the answer is 'yes')
5) Don't be surprised when we ask for your money.  Have your money ready when you get to the counter, you're wasting my time.
6) Don't wink at me.  I don't care who you are, don't wink at me.  Creepy grossness.
7) Please throw your money at me so I can throw your change back at you.
8) Just figure out who's gonna pay before you get to the register, I don't want my hand caught in y'all's power battle when you're shoving your monies at me.  I don't care who pays, just pay.
9) Don't set me up for failure. EX: Give your kids their medications before they get to school.
10) Look me in the eyes.  I acknowledge your existence, you won't explode if you look in my eyes.  I don't  use my power of deadly eye contact while on the clock.
11) It's awesome that you speak another language, but I don't.  Please don't yell at me in another language, loud German sounds like soft German only angrier.
12)  Ladies, I have breasts too, but if I need to store my money, I use a wallet.  DO NOT give me your breast money.  It's not classy, I don't want to know/think about what's going on in your shirt, it's really no one's business.  Activate gag reflex.
13) Using that Bluetooth makes you look crazy.  When you come in my store and you're at the register, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO.  Stop talking to your ear-bug long enough to give me your full attention so you don't have to ask the same questions over and over.  You're wasting my time.
14) Don't you dare touch another person's (stranger's) food/merchandise.  It's not that serious, it's just yogurt.
15) It's sTrawbErry, NOT skrawburry.
16) I don't think you're attractive.  I'm smiling because my shift is almost over.
17) Once I've rung you up, I don't have to talk to you anymore.
18) Yes, we're closed.  That's why all the chairs and tables are stacked, the lights are dimmed, the gate is halfway down, and we all look like we will kill you if you step foot in here.
19) You gain major points for walking your  (elementary school aged) kid into school, but you loose all those points and then some for stepping foot on a school campus, where children learn, without any underwear.
20) At least pretend to be a good parent in public.  But just know that we all can tell whether you are or not.
21) Don't yell at me if we don't have the flavor you want.  I'll give you corporate's contact info, you can complain to them.
22) Don't try to talk me into giving you a discount/special deal.  You're not special to me.
23) If you ask to see my supervisor/boss, they will tell you the same thing.  I can do my job better than you can do my job.
24) If I'm giving you some thing for free, you don't get to tell me how to do so.  Just smile and say thank you.
25) If you have a question (that meets the criteria for a legitimate one) formulate it first then ask.  It makes you look smarter.
26) If you don't see it out there we don't have it, we're not hiding it, we DON'T have it.  Asking for it will not bring it into existence.
27) We're human beings, treat us accordingly.