Sunday, March 2, 2014

Live Everything

Something I have always felt deeply, is that I'm unique. Not in the good way in which we're all special, in the 'Oh my God, there's something wrong with me, I'm all alone in this world' kind of way. So when I come across someone who shares something (principle, idea, belief, trait) I thought I was alone in, I rejoice. This last week, there was much rejoicing in my heart and mind. 

I meet with a mentor (not the actual term we use, but mentor is easier to understand) monthly and she's been a haven for me. Every time we meet she (perhaps inadvertently) reminds me that I'm not so unique. Her and my personality types are very similar and her balance and poise is something I aspire to be and have. This past week we discussed the part of me that often feels most out of control, my emotions. There are times when I literally feel like I'm losing it, like existential crisis level, and there are times when I feel nothing, just neutral.  And, of course, there are times of heart exploding joy. But what I don't experience is simple happiness, or simple sadness; my emotions, when I allow myself to let them out of the dungeon of my heart, always put on a huge production. They can't just walk through the door, they want a light show, fog machine, and all of my energy and attention. And up until this week, I've thought this was purely unique of me, but it's not and I am glad. I'm relieved to know others feel emotions as intensely as I do. But most of all I'm relieved to know that I don't have to feel the imbalance of these emotions, that I can feel these big crashing waves of emotions and turn them into something lovely and productive. 

I can live through the ebb and flow of emotions, refocus my eyes and realize I'm in the same ocean as everyone else; I'm just riding the waves more. 

Sticking with the ocean/sea metaphor: today's message at church was such a comfort because pastor said that we're fighting the same storms (like the kind Paul from the Bible was fighting while on the sea), just in different ways. So when I'm clumsily trying not to die in the ocean, I can look, really look, and see others in the same storm on a different raft. I'm often asking myself "Am I doing this (different things within life) right?" I try so hard to produce the right answers, but today I learned that God isn't interested in the right answers from me, He's interested in me becoming the right person! PHEW! That's great, because I failed that test a long time ago, but 'becoming' is something I can do. I've got my whole life for that. 

Here's a quote that resonated deeply with me from church this morning:

"I would like to beg you, dear sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything that is unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to LIVE EVERYTHING. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." Rainer Maria Rilke (emphasis mine)

We don't have to worry if we've got all the answers right, we can focus on, at times surviving and at times thriving, living life and being the person we're meant to be.