Monday, January 24, 2011

if I'm completely honest

Hi.  Well second to last time I posted, I expressed that I was angry with God because I felt that He was mean and rude to me.   Nothing has really changed, but I don't care.  I know, I know...that's so un-Christiany, but it's the truth.  I feel that God has slammed the door in my face (leaving my nose broken) and has stopped talking to me.  In human terms, we'd call that rude.

I'm in the wilderness, not to elevate myself to the level of the Hebrews when they had been rescued from Egypt, but I am spiritually in the wilderness.  I'm extremely uncomfortable, don't know which way is up, and have some future hope of something great, but have lost sight of it because all I can see is the misery of now.

Something that's also really un-Christiany of me is my not really talking to God; I still love Him, but I'm not ready to trust Him again.  Someone described it as me putting God on the couch (like a married couple), but it's more like I am on the couch because God doesn't budge, He's never-changing, I'm the flaky one.

I know God loves me, and I don't not love Him; but His love hurts right now and I don't like things that hurt.  The expectations of what I had in my mind about His love, don't align with what I see/feel; how disappointing to me.

Aside from all this, there are other things that aren't going too well in my life, which makes my life suck even more.
So to be honest, I'm not doing well...but I don't really care.

How un-Christiany of me.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Final Letter to my supporters

Hello, here's the letter that I sent to my supporters.  This does not mean I am finished posting on this blog.

January 10, 2011
Hello!  I first want to thank you so very much for all your support, monetary and prayerful; it has meant so much to me during this time in my life as I learned how to trust the Lord with my future.  With great sorrow I must tell you that I will not be going to Argentina as planned.  Unfortunately, I was only at 51% of support raised at my final deadline; in order to go I had to have 100% money raised.  Currently, I am still very sad that I will not be going and will not be able to be used by the Lord in that capacity and also that I will not be able to share with you how the Lord is moving in Argentina through our ministry. 
To answer the question about what happens to the money:  all money belongs to Campus Crusade for Christ (which is what makes the donations tax deductible), so no money can be returned to the giver (that’s you).  I have chosen to donate the money to a handful of missionaries/missions from Campus Crusade for Christ, one of which is the Vida Estudiantil movement in Argentina.  Although it was not originally what any of us expected, I think it is still great that the money will be used to support God’s Great Commission for us (Matthew 28:18-20) through an excellent organization, Campus Crusade for Christ.
I am applying for jobs in Charlotte and learning to look to God for my future and security even though I understand so little about His plan.  I know that even though I am not going now, does not mean that I will never go; I still aspire to serve the Lord as an overseas missionary, but according to His timing and not mine.  As mentioned before, I do not understand God’s plan; I do not understand why He had me go through the Ministry Partner Development (money support raising) process, yet not send me, but I do know that He has a plan bigger than any of us could imagine and I want to be a part of it no matter what!  Thank you very much for your support throughout this process, it has meant so much to me and I greatly appreciate you.  "The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters.  Amen."  Galatians 6:18

In Christ’s Love,
Aris Coléa Henderson

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

nameless post

I don't how to start, or where to start, or anything for that matter.  But I'm going to try to put into words these unpleasant feelings that are crowding my being.

I want you to know that I've never been good at holding a grudge; in fact, last time I tried to hold a grudge I was 12 and after a day I had to think really hard why I wasn't talking to my Momma.  I'm very resilient (that sounds really prideful, but it's true).  Also, I don't remember the last time I was angry, hurt yes, angry no.  So these feelings that I'm about to describe could have a different name than the ones I give them.

I think I'm angry with God, and this is why:  why would He get my hopes up these past several months, egging me on only to say 'no'?  Why would He place so deeply in me the desire to be an overseas missionary and then not use me?  Why would He have different people giving their money and prayers if I wasn't going?  Why would He have me at an ideal time in my life (no mortgage/car payments, no children/family, no job/plan) to just up and go wherever and not send me?  All these questions are plaguing me.  It makes no sense to me.  I feel like God is being mean to me, although I know God is not; He is, in fact, just.

Tonight, the message at my college-young adult group was about being missional; about not just focusing inward to our friends, but about going outside of our comfort zone and sharing Jesus.  And I agree, wholeheartedly!  He was speaking specifically about going out into our city and sharing the Gospel of peace, I'm all for that.  This is how I feel about being mission minded:  the Lord calls people to different places, some are called to be missionaries to the people right near them, those people are SOOOO important; the Lord also calls people to the far corners of the earth, those people are also very important.  As for me, I feel quite called to being a missionary overseas, I always have.  In fact, I used to daydream about being a missionary to many different places and sharing His Message with the hungry and needy.

(As I'm writing this blog entry, I can see my pride creeping out to cover my wounds; it's a sad attempt to keep the salt from being rubbed in them every time someone asks me about Argentina or I see a friend doing what I've always dreamed of.)...I have no clue where I'm going with this entry; it's just stream of consciousness.  I'm trying to understand how I feel right now, because I have never felt this way before, I've never been angry with God (if that even is the right name of the emotion) and I don't like it at all.

There are so many things that don't make since to me and I'm tired of not knowing the answers, but I'm especially tired of not hearing from God anymore.  I have no direction, no solid plan, and no answers.  I've been asking and asking to hear from Him, but have basically given up because I'm not getting anything.  Now, I'm learning to stop asking and to just wait; now would be a great time for answers and direction, but God has chosen not to give those to me right now.  I don't like it, but it is what it is.

I know that this isn't the end; just because I'm not going now, doesn't mean I won't ever go.  But if not now, then when?