Showing posts from January, 2011

if I'm completely honest

Hi.  Well second to last time I posted, I expressed that I was angry with God because I felt that He was mean and rude to me.   Nothing has really changed, but I don't care.  I know, I know...that's so un-Christiany, but it's the truth.  I feel that God has slammed the door in my face (leaving my nose broken) and has stopped talking to me.  In human terms, we'd call that rude.

I'm in the wilderness, not to elevate myself to the level of the Hebrews when they had been rescued from Egypt, but I am spiritually in the wilderness.  I'm extremely uncomfortable, don't know which way is up, and have some future hope of something great, but have lost sight of it because all I can see is the misery of now.

Something that's also really un-Christiany of me is my not really talking to God; I still love Him, but I'm not ready to trust Him again.  Someone described it as me putting God on the couch (like a married couple), but it's more like I am on the couch …

Final Letter to my supporters

Hello, here's the letter that I sent to my supporters.  This does not mean I am finished posting on this blog.

January 10, 2011 Hello!I first want to thank you so very much for all your support, monetary and prayerful; it has meant so much to me during this time in my life as I learned how to trust the Lord with my future.With great sorrow I must tell you that I will not be going to Argentina as planned.Unfortunately, I was only at 51% of support raised at my final deadline; in order to go I had to have 100% money raised.Currently, I am still very sad that I will not be going and will not be able to be used by the Lord in that capacity and also that I will not be able to share with you how the Lord is moving in Argentina through our ministry. To answer the question about what happens to the money:all money belongs to Campus Crusade for Christ (which is what makes the donations tax deductible), so no money can be returned to the giver (that’s you).I have chosen to donate the money to …

nameless post

I don't how to start, or where to start, or anything for that matter.  But I'm going to try to put into words these unpleasant feelings that are crowding my being.

I want you to know that I've never been good at holding a grudge; in fact, last time I tried to hold a grudge I was 12 and after a day I had to think really hard why I wasn't talking to my Momma.  I'm very resilient (that sounds really prideful, but it's true).  Also, I don't remember the last time I was angry, hurt yes, angry no.  So these feelings that I'm about to describe could have a different name than the ones I give them.

I think I'm angry with God, and this is why:  why would He get my hopes up these past several months, egging me on only to say 'no'?  Why would He place so deeply in me the desire to be an overseas missionary and then not use me?  Why would He have different people giving their money and prayers if I wasn't going?  Why would He have me at an ideal tim…