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Showing posts from 2017

Again? Again.

I don't know what it is. If it can be helped. If it's my fault. If I can prevent it. I just don't know. This feels cyclical. I don't feel wrong. But I do feel crazy. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about IT, like the very person I want and need to talk to about it doesn't wanna hear it. But I always hear their shit. I always actively listen and dish advice when prompted and coddle and coo and try to understand and sympathize. So why can't it be reciprocated? It can. It should. Now I'm sitting at home being pathetic while they're out going to the very party I wanted to go to. I am baffled and confused and hurt and broken and frustrated and scared. Is this it? Are we broken for good? My heart feels irreparable. I feel like I fell into this trap. I feel awful. My stomach is in knots; my eyes are exhausted from crying; I feel like the tiniest person. The tiniest, most pathetic person who's outer shell looks deceptively strong. Years ago, when I …

Self vs Sex

A few weeks back I was in conversation with a handful of women about sex. All but me were straight, some married, some single, some in a relationship. The youngest one of this grouping chirped up and said she's 'saving herself for marriage.' No one really batted an eye because we all respect each other and the different lives we choose to lead, but I had to resist the urge to correct her. The language agitated me because it sent me back to a time when I said the same thing: saving myself for marriage.
Let me be clear in saying that I take no issue with a person choosing when they desire to become sexually active. If a 16 year old decides they are ready and knows how to do so safely with a safe partner, then so be it. If a 30 year old who is not yet married wants to wait to have sex with their future spouse, then so be it. If a person decides/feels that they only want to masturbate for the rest of their life and have no sexual contact with another person, then so be it. It…