Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Getting what I deserve

Something I'm understanding about myself and trying to change is the way I receive help and love. It's painfully difficult for me to ask for and receive help and love, even from people who I know would (do) gladly and generously give it to me. This is especially strange because I try my damnedest to give it to people, yet I don't let myself receive it. I suspect my struggle comes from not thinking I deserve such basic human mechanisms. 

Take this past Saturday for instance, I was in a hole. It was a familiar hole, but still a hole nonetheless. I felt myself slipping into the hole a couple days before, but knew it was going to happen no matter what. Like when I feel menstrual cramps coming and I know there's nothing I can do to stop this month's period, so I reluctantly go with it. I felt myself slipping into the same pit of feeling unloved, not liked, and unknown as I've been in before. It was an all day affair and it was exhausting and it was heart wrenching. Yet I wasn't completely disconnected from people and I actually got some important shit done; I was texting one best friend and emailing another and it never came up (because I was too beaten to bring it up) that I was struggling with my very existence. I thought 'I don't wanna burden her', 'it'll pass so why involve anyone else?', 'I don't want to sound needy', etc. I talk myself of asking for help. Why? Perhaps I don't think I'm loved enough by some people for them to care enough to help me. I don't know, but it needs to change. I can't go through life pretending like I need nothing from anyone, because that's a freaking lie that I tell myself and let myself believe. 

It's okay for me to need it's okay for me to lean it's okay for me to ask it's okay for me to accept.