Sunday, October 30, 2011

identity check

Lately, the last week or so, I've felt something stirring inside.  Something good, something progressive.  It's seemed like my heart has been softening towards God.  I've stopped cynically retorting to all the good things people say about God and the Christian walk, and have felt more comfortable with the idea of being in a relationship with God.  Today, at church, pastor talked about 'Identity' and I thought 'oh great, another one of those messages.'  But the message was, surprisingly, refreshing.

He talked about how we have been called children of God and this means that we ARE children of God,  1 John 2:28-3:10.  We should act accordingly.  As children of God, we can live a life of freedom and victory (1 John 2:12-14), although we often let the Accuser (devil) tell us that our mistakes/sins are who we are .  The  devil calls us failures when we fail at something, but the reality is we're still children of God, we simply made a mistake.  God tells us who we truly are even when we don't think it possible, Judges 6:12-18.  We have freedom to do what's right and predeclared-victory over sin and death.  That's some good news!

We're not expected to just be like Jesus, we're changed and grown to be glorified, like Jesus, as children of God.  And we often hear that and think "oh yea, great things are gonna be done through those people (people in church, people on tv), but I could never be used in such a great way by Him."  We don't think God can't do it, we don't think God can do it through us.  I no longer want to have that defeatist attitude.  If God wants me to do something, then I can do it because He equips and strengthens.  Period.

So the good news about me is that I'm getting back on track.  I know it's time for me to come home and I'm excited to get there.  Today I was praying, mostly listening, at the end of service and He told me that He sees me making my way home over the horizon and He's lifted his robe and is running toward me (prodigal son scene).  There's gonna be a party y'all.  After church I hoped in my car and, as usual, cut my radio on.  Immediately my brain shut off, He told me to cut the radio off and listen and process.  Part of my problem has been that I wouldn't take anything with me after hearing a message, I have been shutting down after the message, not processing.  After the radio was off, I prayed to ask God for help and to sort re-dedicate to Him.  It felt good to apply the message past the church doors.

Progress was made today, and the effort that I'll have to put in to re-explore 'childhood' with Him as my Father actually seems worth it to me.  I know it may not be easy, but I want it and badly.  It's worth it already.

>1 John 3:2-3
>Hebrews 12
>Romans 8:15-17

Thursday, October 20, 2011

heart check

‎"The missionary heart cares more than some think is wise, risks more than some think is safe, dreams more than some think is practical, and expects more than some think is possible."

This was posted as friend's Facebook status tonight, she got it from a pastor who read it from a missionary girl who died.  Wow, if that's a missionary heart, then I am way off.  I can honestly, and humbly?, say that this quote used to speak so true of me, but now that doesn't reflect who I am, who I've become.  I want that heart again.  I want that compassion, that visionary, idealist spirit.  But I've allowed my lousy (lousy in my opinion) circumstances of the past several months to get to me, to alter my perspective and attitude on life.  I want to return to a heart not centered around myself, but centered around loving others and the Lord.

The other week I was chatting with a friend and telling her that I know I'm supposed to live a different type of life, as a Christian, but that still doesn't change the fact that I'm here, in this world.  The Christian world and the secular world do not really go well together, but we're expected to live in both, hmmm.  Well, we're expected to live in the Christian world, and it's just unfortunate that we currently live in the world world.  It's all a bit perplexing for me.  But I do know that I desire to have the above heart, life's better that way.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

that girl

Have you ever watched a movie and seen a character that really resonated with you?  It's never actually happened to me before until this past weekend.  A friend and I watched Something Borrowed and one of the main characters, Ginnifer Goodwin's character, reminded me of myself, sadly.  The character was hopelessly in love with a friend of hers from grad school that was engaged to her best friend since childhood.  Unfortunately I know all too well how Gin's character feels; she was always the girl who liked the guy, but was never liked by the guy.  She would externally be patient and pretend to not be affected by his lack of romantic attention, but internally she'd be in turmoil with hopelessness that he would never love her because she's not beautiful enough.  She was that girl.

Maybe it's part of my personality, or perhaps it's my insecurities, but I'm always hopeful that he would like me yet I'm certain he won't, because I'm not good enough for him.  Pathetic right?  In my mind, I've built him up as this perfect man that I could never live up to.  An idol.  Now, as you can probably imagine, this serves as a detriment to my self-esteem, me feeling like I'm not good enough.  I shouldn't be so fixated on what/how/who I think he is, I shouldn't be fixated at all...on anything.

Some women have a much faster turnover rate on who they like than I do.  I have friends who like someone new/different seemingly every week.  Not me, I have had crushes on a single (as in one) man for months, even a year or more.  While I don't want to swing the other direction and hop from crush to crush, it'd be nice to not have a devoted, hopeless crush for so long.  It makes me feel foolish, because I know that I could be using my time more wisely, instead of daydreaming about how great it be if he'd pay me some mind.  Oddly enough, I know this as it's happening, I don't even have to look back and think "man, I wasted so much time crushin' on that guy when I could have used my time more efficiently", I think that as I'm crushin'!!!  Silliness.

I guess what I'd like is to not fall deeply into the crush, to not invest so much.  It leaves me disappointed, hurt.  Especially when he starts dating someone or gives me some reason to stop liking him (I briefly dated this one guy who ended up being a pothead among other thing).  I guess when I fall, I fall hard.  It'd be nice to have a mild crush on someone and to not feel so crappy when it's over.  Yea, that'd be nice.

There have been times when I was doing a great job of managing the crush, but now is not one of those times.  It annoys me, my lack of self control.  I guess I should collect myself, huh?  Wish me luck.