Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Top 5 Things That Don't Impress Me

Today I woke up feeling kinda grumpy.  Perhaps because I'm cold and it was a little a rainy earlier and maybe because I just found out that the Harris Teeter I wanted to go to is shut down until next year so I had to go to the Food Lion instead.  Really I just woke up feeling like being in a grumpy mood.  So here's a list of things that don't impress me much.

1) Children. When people are like "Look what my kid learned to do yesterday!" and the kid claps, I'm not impressed.  Of course your child learned to clap, it's developmentally appropriate for your child to learn to clap right now.  Unless your child is a prodigy and actually does some thing out of the norm, I'm not impressed.

2) Cars/Motorcycles.  As far as I'm concerned, the purpose of vehicles is to transport people and stuff from one point to another.  So when people (mostly men) rev their engines and have those cars/motorcycles that make so much noise, I not only don't feel impressed I feel annoyed.  You're not just wasting gas, you're producing noise pollution.  Pollution doesn't impress me.

3) Money.  When people show off their money buying and flaunting expensive things, I'm not impressed, in fact I feel insulted.  I have three jobs and I'm still (what most Americans would constitute as) poor.  When people buy expensive watches, watches that cost more than what I make in a year, it feels like a slap in the face.  I'm a teacher, so I don't make a lot of money.  I've always known that teachers make 'little' money.  So when people spend so much on inanimate objects that won't make them happy, my frivolous teacher brain is unimpressed.

4) Guitar strumming.  Guitar is a great instrument, and I am impressed by people who can read music (not tab) and play said music on the guitar.  Guitar's also great because it's an instrument that many people can pick up and somewhat teach themselves.  But when they learn only how to strum, I'm disappointed.  It's limiting the guitar which is capable of so much more than block chords.  When people only halfway learn the guitar, I'm not impressed.

5) Smoking.  It's no secret that smoking (anything) is bad for you.  It doesn't have any health benefits.  When people start to smoke it baffles me.  You know it's bad for you and addictive, yet you still started?  There must be something wrong with you or you must have a death and ugly wish.  It doesn't make you look cool, it makes you look dumb for wasting your money and body on something that has nothing good to offer you.  Also, it smells terrible and can kill others through second hand smoking.  So thanks for the cancer, you unimpressive person.

I'll leave you with this song.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Nagging, the good kind

For the past several weeks, possibly months, I've been hearing the same message at church.  Now, don't get me wrong, my pastor isn't actually saying the same message (or is he?); it's just that every Sunday whether I'm teaching Sunday School or sitting in the congregation, I have heard the same message.  At first I thought, huh that's similar to what I heard last time.  But now, I realize that it's no coincidence.  The message?  'I love you.'  I know, I know, what an obvious, elementary message, right?  That's what I think, or cognitively know.  But I certainly don't live like it.

There's one line from the message on Easter that rings in my head fairly often: God doesn't hate you.  Of course He doesn't, but I felt (and maybe still feel) that He did.  These past couple of years have been rough and I see no happy ending in sight.  I don't blame anyone, not even myself, but God.  God's in control of everything, right?  Then He's fully aware of all the crappiness that's been going down in my life.  That's the question I've been asking myself.  I've put up a wall, because I don't want to 'deal' with a life with Him.  To me, a life with Him means inevitable hurt and disappointment.

Last week's message, Humble Confidence, I finally decided to acknowledge this nagging.  At the end of the message, Pastor read Psalm 139 to us in second person (substituting me/I for you) and at every pause I heard God say 'I love you'.  I tried to let myself hear and believe it.  I have been so bitter that I didn't want to hear that.  I didn't want to accept that a relationship with God calls not just for sunshine and warm-fuzzies, but also for storms and heartache.  A relationship with God calls for growth.

Growth.  For anyone who's gone through puberty, you know how awkward, painful, and downright undelightful it is.  When in the middle of Growth, you often don't know how to feel about these changes. You're happy to be getting taller, getting a deeper voice, growing hair, getting breasts, looking more like an adult.  But no matter how 'awesome' those changes are, puberty sucks.  It's emotionally draining for you and everyone around you and you don't really know how to navigate everything that's going on inside and out.  But it's natural and necessary.  In the end you're glad that your feet grew so large because you're so much taller, you just couldn't see the bigger picture as the picture was being painted.  Growth isn't easy, and sometimes it's downright exasperating, but it's got to happen if we are to be who we are made to be.

Cognitively, I know God loves me.  But my bitter heart has difficulty accepting this love because it's not the kind of love always feels easy.  But I want growth and I want to be who and what I'm meant to be; in order for that to happen, I'm going to have to accept the less pleasant parts of God's perfect love.

Here's a link to the sermons, take a gander, I'm certain there's something for you.  No matter what message(s) you listen to, remember God loves YOU!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Top 7 Musicals I Would Love to See

A couple days ago I was babysitting some 8 year old twin girls.  One of the girls was obsessed with Broadway musicals; so all day, during almost everything we did, we listened to music from musicals.  It was great!  She had so many questions about the stories of so many different shows.  I love musicals, I think they're the best thing ever.  This day got me thinking about all the different musicals I'd like to see live, whether on or off Broadway.  Here's my top list!

1) The Book of Mormon.  I've seen some numbers from it and never stop laughing.  This is the first I saw of it and was hooked:

2) Wicked.  I used to just prejudice the show as something I would never want to see.  But then I heard about what the story was ultimately about (the Gospel) and heard the song "Defying Gravity" and now I really would like to see it.

3) Mamma Mia!  I own the movie that came out a few years ago and could watch it everyday and be happy.  I also really love the music of ABBA, I know it's cheesy, but I'm just cheesy.  Also, you'd be surprised to find out the number of times I sing one of their songs in everyday, they're part of my life soundtrack.

4) Porgy & Bess.  I've seen the opera when it was doing an anniversary tour and performed at my University.  It's sensational, heartbreaking, and worth every penny.  I'd like to see what they do to make it a musical.  Also, I love listening to and playing the music of George and Ira Gershwin, I've played some  arrangements of the songs from the opera and have loved them.

5) West Side Story.  I also own this movie.  The music of Leonard Berstein is genius.  The plot isn't original, but it's done in a way that gets me every time.  Love, love, love the music.  Here's a great number that has a great mixed meter.

6) Les Miserables.  I used to not get what the big deal was and my ex-boyfriend would always talk about it, so I got annoyed.  But I saw this trailer for the movie and have to hold back tears every time.  Stories of raw humanity just get me every time.

7) Lion King. I hear nothing but amazingness gush from people when they talk about the show.  Of course I love the movie, but the musical is apparently bigger and better!  I would love to see it.

I love a good musical, I even love a bad one.  Basically, music makes me want to see anything.

Friday, July 13, 2012

But I don't wanna

I have a problem, I hate applying for jobs.  It sucks.  It's not so much the rejections, I don't mind being told 'no'.  I do mind that I have to assert myself so much on them to be told 'no'.  Why do I have to call them to check-up on a job I applied to?  Of course I want the job, I applied for it.  I know things don't just land in your lap; I know you have to set yourself apart from other applicants.  But when I'm applying to a part time job at a café/store?  It feels demeaning to have to work so hard to get a job that doesn't even require a high school diploma.  I have a bachelor's and a license (to teach).  Just feeling frustrated.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Top 3 Guys I Attract

A couple days ago I joined a free dating site.  A couple friends joined some, two different ones, out of curiosity and it's provided some fun stories.  So I joined one out of curiosity and solidarity.  Now, I realize this site's free, so anyone can join; since anyone can join, one will come across anyone.  These are the top anyones that keep messaging me/showing interest in me on the site...and often in real life.

1) That guy.  His main picture is one with him in the bathroom mirror using his smartphone to take a shirtless picture; Or he's leaning up against his car; or he's in his car (driving?) and apparently thought he looked good enough to take a seedy picture from bellow where I can see up his nose and count his chins.  Also, he's never smiling.  He won't, or possibly can't, use proper grammar and spelling in his 'about me' or messages to me and he doesn't seem to be a great/good conversationalist. Also, he'll address me as 'sexi (note the improper spelling) lady/ma/girl' or some other name that offends me. He seems more interested in portraying his idea of cool than showing who he is as a person.

2) The Nice-Awkward (but not the endearing kind) Guy.  This one guy who 'favorited' me (which is creepy in and of itself) had his main pic, that was professionally taken, that looked like the kind that you take in grade school.  He wasn't smiling, but he was looking intensely at the camera as he fake rested his head on his over-lapped hands.  He tends to over think his initial message to me.  He writes me a long message about how great I am, just based off my profile, and how he loves all the same things I love and how he's flattered that I'd even look at his profile/read all the way through his message.  He seems desperate.   Sometimes, he appears to have not so good hygiene.

3) The Old Guy.  I have been told countless times that I look much younger than my age.  Even still, I am consistently hit on by older men.  Not just in their 30's older, but like old enough to be my dad or even grandfather old.  What is the deal?!  Is there a sign on my forehead that says hit on me if you're old?  The signs lies.  This one 40 year old, wrote me a message saying all the things we have in common...that doesn't cancel out that you're 16 years older than me.  When I was almost 19 years old, this cafeteria guy (at my Univeristy) who was around 60 said (after he had looked me up and down several times) "Yea, you're too young for me; you're like, what, 19?"  He then proceeded to hit on me.  I felt/feel violated.  Old guy, back off.
(yea, I took it there)

Of course everyone doesn't fit into just one mold, there are some people who hit on me that're a combination of two or more.  Like the 37 year old 'thug' who greeted me as 'sexi li'l miss'.  Just stop.

If you fit into one or more of these categories, you need not apply.  I'm not interested.

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


No, not the Mickey Mouse Club or the chocolate candies.  Magic Mike.  Yea, I said it.  Yea, I saw it.  Am I embarrassed/have regrets?  No.  Did I enjoy it?  Umm, yea.  I've heard lots of reactions about the movie; and being in the Bible Belt, a lot of them have been on the hostile, antagonistic side.  This isn't a post defending my seeing it.  I'm an adult who can see whatever the hell I want.  It's more of a response, that'll probably get some flack, to people's reaction to the movie and the movie goers.

My friends and I scored some free tickets for an early showing.  I think we saw it over a week early.  Basically, we'll see pretty much any movie for free, so that played a huge part in our viewing of it.  Yes, there was nudity in the movie, no actual penises but there was plenty of man butt.  There was also some female nudity, I think I saw a total of four to six breasts.  The movie, however, was not about nudity.  Here's why (I think) it wasn't about nudity:  the movie was targeted toward women> women's brains aren't wired the same as men's>yes, women like looking at abs (and there were plenty to go around)>typically, women's minds don't go directly to sex when looking at men they find to be attractive.  So when women are watching this movie, they're likely enjoying: abs, man bottom, the riveting story line (LOL), the ridiculousness of the other women in the theater, the great dance moves, and a slew of fantastically fit dancing men.  I can honestly say that I never, before/during/after, imagined having sex with any of those men in that movie.  My brain just doesn't go there.

I'm not cheating on my husband.  Not just because I don't have one.  As a friend of mine said (paraphrasing), 'as I watched this movie, I kept thinking, I can't wait for my future husband to use those moves on me!'.  What she said.

I have no attachment to any of these men.  I don't want to marry/date any of them.  They are actors, some of which are married, some of which who are gay.  So there's no need for me to guard my heart from these naked, dancing characters.  That movie didn't leave me feeling all romantic, not towards them, not towards anyone.

Lastly, if that movie offends you, don't see it.  No one is threatening your life if you don't see it.  And if someone is, well then just go see it to save your life.  If anything, you'll learn some dance moves.

Saturday, July 7, 2012

Guess who's back! Back again...

Resentment's back, tell a friend.  I've been looking for another part-time job since before the school year ended.  I've applied to countless places: pet stores, schools, camps, YMCA's, cafés, and clothing stores.  It's July 7th and I still have no prospects.

Last Summer and all of 2010 when I was raising support for Argentina, I was trying to depend on God for my finances.  I was ridiculously broke and, excuse me, busting my ass.  It was frustrating and defeating and confounding.  I didn't get it.  People always say that when you work hard and are committed, it'll be a big payoff.  If that be the case then I'm in for a lot of excellence!  I hope it comes sooner rather than later.  I'm in that same position now.  I (if I've calculated correctly and skimp on food) have enough money to last until the end of the month.  Then, that's it, that's all I got.

Okay, now for the resentment.  I resent God.  God is Provider, right?  He literally has endless amounts of everything we need and truly want.  Why's He holding out on me?  Did I do something wrong?  Am I being punished?  Am I STILL being tested?  Is God a sadist?  Is there something wrong with me?  Am I that unlikable?  Blah blah blah.  It's dizzying and nauseating.  I feel sick with worry.  I have nightmares about it and when I'm awake it's the center of all my thoughts.  I'm constantly calculating everything in my head.  If I buy this, I can't by bread.  If I buy groceries, I might not have enough money to put gas in my car.  Vicious cycle.  I'm at my wit's end.  That's why I'm defeated:  I've trusted God to the point where I wouldn't let myself have a Plan B (in the event God's plan doesn't work) and time and time again He's left me out on my ass.  Not cool.  Matthew 7:11 Says: If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!  I'm asking, where is it?

It's hard to trust someone when they continually don't come through.  I know, I know, God never breaks a promise, but it feels like He has.  I want to trust Him fully, but my brain and wounded heart keep reminding me of disappointments in regards to Him.  Lord, help my unbelief.

Alright, I'm finished griping.

Friday, July 6, 2012

I can finally use this word!

Serendipitously: (adverb) when something happens/is discovered by way of a fortunate accident
My mom always told me not use a word until I knew the definition.  I've officially looked up serendipity/serendipitous/serendipitously and it is definitely the words I want to use.

I have a couple friends who have recently joined dating sites, they're curious.  They're my age.  They're meeting (is it called that?) quite an assortment of men.  Some are super old and creepy, young and creepy, cute, awkward, perfect, you name it.  It's been interesting, mostly funny, seeing who they've been coming in contact with.  I have to admit, I've briefly considered join a dating site, but that's not how I want to meet people.

I'm an extrovert, so I love being around people; I love meeting people; I love deep conversation with people; I love shallow conversation with get the idea.  I don't think I'm a good candidate for online dating.

Growing up, I didn't think a lot about marriage.  I always just figured I would get married, because that's what adults do, right?  I didn't daydream about it though; I didn't plan my wedding; I didn't plan my life around the thought of marriage.  But now that people I know are getting married left and right, it's forced into my brain whether I like it or not.  With marriage forced into my brain, it's got me thinking about how I'd like to meet my (possible) future husband.

That was an extensive set up.  Sorry, folks!  I want to meet (the allusively named) him quite serendipitously.  Is that cliché?  I don't care.  Like, a meet-cute: we both happen to be reaching for the last morning glory muffin (those are so stinkin' good), we meet eyes and end up chatting over coffee; we're listening to a local band and end up meeting through some friends; we end up sitting next to each other at an opera (yes, I enjoy seeing operas) and chat before and after; we greet each other at church and end up getting lunch afterwards.  It may seem silly to you, but it'd be nice to have an organic start.

All this would require me to NOT screw it up.  I'm pretty sure my resting face is something like "don't dare approach me or I'll just blow you off".  I certainly don't mean to let my face settle into said stance, but I don't know how to fix it.  I've been trying to seem more approachable because I really am interested.  We'll see.

Thursday, July 5, 2012

a tragic, nothing post

Relapse, that's what it's called.  When one slips back into a former habit or state, no matter how minuscule or large.  I'll be doing so well, and then I'll accidentally be reminded and I then I have a brief, but terrible, relapse.  I hate that about myself, I literally feel powerless to it, although I know it's a choice. Everything's a choice.

I'm almost too embarrassed to share what it is I relapsed on, but I'm scared that if I don't you'll think it more dangerous than it is truly is.  Sigh, it's about a boy...well, a man.  I even unfriended him on Facebook and Twitter.  But, tonight, I saw a Facebook status of a mutual friend, his best friend, in which he was tagged and it instantly brought back this rush of old, wounded emotions.  Naturally, I went to his Facebook profile and tried to do some 'splorin', but, alas, we're not Facebook friends anymore so I could see nothing.  Honestly, how pathetic of me.

So far, from what I've noticed, there are three different types of women: 1) women who have long term crushes 2) women who hop from crush to crush and 3) women who don't really have crushes.  I am part of the first group of ladies.  We find a guy, we put him on a pedestal, we crush long and hard on him, we fall in love, we admire from a distance, we end up with broken hearts when said crush ruins our manifested expectations of him or gets a girlfriend.  I'd like to be a part of the second group: they like guy for shallow reasons ("we bonded over our favorite coffee and indie album.") and the next week, they find someone new; they never really get attached to the idea of being with any one guy because they're too busy checking out another crush.  I also wouldn't mind being in the third group of women:  they like men, but their brain energies are better spent doing more productive things than fluttering from crush to crush or getting their heart broken by themselves.

When people ask me if I like anyone, I've recently started saying "I'm working on not liking someone at the moment.  So, no, I don't really have any crushes."  That's the truth, it's either super hard or super easy for me to fall out of like with someone, and a lot of it depends on my perception of him.  My freshman year of college, I liked this guy and he liked me.  We were dating and I thought he was the most excellent person ever.  The moment I found out he not only smoked (and not just cigarettes) but had been dishonest about other things, I was done.  I had no interest there, he was dismissed from the pedestal I'd put him on.  It was over.  I kinda wish that'd happen for my current crush, I wish I found out he hates dogs, or smokes, or is covered in hair (although, I know know for a fact that's not true), or just something that'd make him repulsive to me.  I just want to not like him.

I thought about sending him a message sharing my feelings, but he's going back out with his ex-girlfriend (well I guess they're not exes any longer), and I don't think it'd be appropriate since he's in a relationship.  I don't want to get him in trouble.  I gotta stop talking about him, I gotta stop thinking about him.

Man, I feel pathetic.

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

13 Favorite Celebrities

I watch TV/movies and I listen to music.  Here are my favorite people who are a part of that no order.

1) Clinton Kelly.  Isn't he just excellent?  He's on the TLC show What Not To Wear and ABC's  The Chew.  I don't really watch the later, but What Not To Wear I could watch all day.  He just seems so upbeat and witty and fun!  Not to mention fashionable.  I think we'd be great friends.
2) Kevin K.O. Olusola.  Majorly crushing!  He's one of five members of THE BEST a cappella group on the planet, Pentatonix.  He's the vocal percussionists, beat boxer.  Not only is he a member of this excellent group, he speaks 5 different languages, is a stud, plays cello, plays alto sax, loves Jesus, and has a heart for seeing God's Kingdom advance in the World.  I'm pretty sure we should be in a relationship because I play tons of instruments, I teach music, I love languages, I love Jesus, and all I've wanted since I was young is to share Jesus with the planet.  Just sayin'.
3) Maya Rudolph.  I mean, she's gorgeous, she's frickin' hilarious...and I want to be her friend.  She's in one of my favorite movies, Away We Go, and on NBC's hilarious show, Up All Night.
4) Zooey Deschanel.  I really like her new show, New Girl.  She is part founder of one of my favorite sites, HelloGiggles, and she's a musician.  We could be friends too.
5) John Krasinski. What a stud!  I enjoy his character in The Office and he's in one of my favorite movies, Away We Go, with Maya Rudolph.  He seems like a nice, normal guy who happens to act.  Also, I've seen his marionette impression and I'm pretty impressed.  Also, I'm in love with his hair, so luscious.
6) Ryan Gosling.  This guy...loves his dog (who has a mohawk), is remarkably good looking, is a musician, is a great actor, is sensational to look at, is a great citizen, is easy on the eyes, and is a stud.  Also, he's really good looking.
7) Kristen Wiig.  She's one funny lady!  I love every character she's played on SNL (although she's no longer on it), she's pretty, and I like her writing.  Bridesmaids is frickin hilarious!
8) Channing Tatum.  I mean, es tan un hombre!  Que rico!  And what a great dancer.  I'm happy for him, he's come from a not so glamorous life to being a well known actor and producer.  Way to go!
9) Mindy Kaling.  She's frickin hilarious.  I dig her writing.  She's pretty.  She seems like the kind of person I could easily be friends with.  I'm looking forward to enjoying her new show, I'm sure it'll be superb.
10) The Avett Brothers. I basically want to marry them, all of them.  They're from Concord, NC, which is where I live.  Their music is exemplary.
11) Mumford & Sons.  I'd marry them too.  They're so good.  I have to stop myself from listening to them.
12) John Legend.  Stinkin' love his voice.  I go on John Legend listening sprees in which I only listen to him...FOR DAYS!
13) My musician friends.  I have lots of friends who are super musicians, I like their music.  I want to be able to say I knew them before people start asking for their autographs.

Now you know.

Monday, July 2, 2012


There's this idea in the US of 'arriving' I'm not convinced of.  People will say stuff like "I know I've arrived when I make a six figure in this neighborhood...been to this many places...have this many children...can hire a driver..."  While I don't think setting attainable goals is inappropriate, I do think it's silly for people to be convinced that once they have arrived at said goals that they'll be content.

It's human nature to always be chasing after different ways to make us happy, to make us feel whole.  These different ways often come in one of two forms: relationships or possessions.  Relationships are great (well, great relationships are great), and some possessions are great and necessary, but they won't make you happy.  They just can't.  We, humans, weren't made to be satisfied/fulfilled by things that we create.  While they might satisfy, fill that void, for some time in some capacity, we're always thirsting for more.

Look at pop stars who came from humble/rough beginnings.  When they weren't famous, and were just dreamers, their definition of 'arriving' was something like: I won't have to go hungry, I can live in a safer neighborhood, I can buy a house for my mom.  But once they actually arrive at that point, they want one more car that they just had to have, or they'd like a beach house on the Mediterranean, or they'd like a different, better spouse, or a couple more endorsements.  Their 'arrival criteria' keeps getting more and more extravagant.  It's insatiable!

It happens to us little people too.  We compare what we have and how our lives are to those around us.  I see people I went to college with who make over double my yearly salary simply because they chose a different profession, and I tell myself "I need to make more money."  It's hard not to compare because there's always something bigger and better out there.  There's always that job that has everything you want, or that car that has more pistons and leather, or that person who has a better body than you, or family that has it all together, or that person who is a better athlete than you...Blah blah blah.  When we compare, suddenly our arrival point looks a little plain, played out.  We begin to think we can do/be better.

The good news is we can do/be better!  The bad news is it's not as easy as working a few more hours so you can afford leather interior in your new car.  I think we have to choose to soak up every great bit of our lives AT THIS VERY MOMENT.  So for me, when I'm feeling frustrated with arrival plans, I can stop and look at all the great things in my life right now:  I live in an excellent house with superb women, I'm certainly never starving, I have three jobs which all help support my bills, etc.  Once we learn to be sincerely grateful for what we have here and now, I believe we'll be content with no concrete 'arrival point'.  Yes, we'd like this or that, but our lives aren't empty because we don't have those things.

Choose to see your life as full, yes there may be room for more, but you won't notice if you're too enamored by all that you have already.