Monday, August 19, 2013

Losing My Religion

So, tonight, it's hit me hard: I'm truly struggling with my religion.  I haven't wanted to admit it, as if not looking it in the eye will make it not true.  But that doesn't work.  Last week was tough.  Last week I finally admitted that I'm angry with, disappointed in, and cynical of God.  I don't want to be any of those things, but I am.  But today at church I learned (more like, was reminded of) that it's okay to feel that way about God.  He can handle it.

I'm just tired.  And I'm tired of being tired.  I know God is real, that's not the struggle.  In fact, I know the exact struggle: why won't God be nice to me?  Exhibit A: I've wanted to be a music teacher and a missionary since I can remember, so when I finally committed to missions and tried to raise money (as missionaries do) and it didn't happen, I felt dumbfounded.  God says that the 'harvest is plenty but the workers are few' and here I am willing to throw myself in to being a 'worker', but you won't take me?!  To top it off, many people who never wanted to be a missionary had money thrown at them to go.  See my point here?  Not cool, God, not cool.  Exhibit B: So I'm here with my life and plans in shambles, like many of my peers, only they have these great, well put together families to fall back on and I have a family that is straight up struggling (although I still do love them).  7th Heaven's (yes I used to love that show) theme song has a line in their theme song: "Where can you go when the world don't treat you right?  The answer is home, that's the one place that you'll find!"  That song lies and I don't appreciate the deception.

God is good, right?  Why isn't he good to me?  Why, when I put my all and made huge sacrifices for Him and His Kingdom, would he treat me like that?  I don't want to believe in this God, this God who can give good gifts in abundance, but instead keeps proving Himself to be stingy and to play favorites.

Don't get me wrong, I've seen God do great things in my life and others'.  There have been times when I've felt/been intensely close with Him.  Times when I've felt deeply loved by Him (not just when things were going well for me).  I, theoretically, know God is good; but I want to know why He's stopped being good to me.

Yea, yea, I have food to eat, a place to live, people who love me, a (okay 3) job, and stuff...but I feel like those are cheap in comparison to the Father's love.  It's like He's giving me these things out of obligation and to shut me up.  Only I won't shut-up, I never shut up.

I'm not a different person now in comparison to when I was on cloud 9 chillin' with God, because we are always ourselves just different stages of ourselves.  Who I am now, is who I am.  But I would say that there are times when one wouldn't guess that I am a Christian (because no matter how much you disbelieve or how 'bad you sin', once a Christian always a Christian, even if your life shows no evidence of it).  I cuss, like, a lot.  I drink alcohol (which I did when I was homies with Jesus, but in more excess now, and for different reasons).  And there are times when I live my life atheistically, as if there is no God.  I can't say that I'm thrilled with the 'new' me, but it is what it is.  I guess I figure:  why bother living like I love/like God when God doesn't show me the same courtesy?  You first, God.

This whole post seems whiny, but it's how I feel.

So what do I do now?  I'm tired of all the clichés people try to feed me about joy coming in the morning, because it's been night for so long I'm starting to think it has no hope.  I'm tired of maintaining a facade of optimism.  I'm tired of trying to remember what His presence feels like.  I'm tired of people telling me to fake it 'til I make it.  I'm tired of bull shit.  I'm fucking tired.

I believe in God, but I've grown jaded and angry.  I don't want to be either of those things.  Knowing who God is and seeing who God is aren't lining up.  Cognitive dissonance, it sucks.  I guess, my biggest question now is 'how am I going to live my life?'  What are my options?