Think the thoughts, feel the feels...write it down

So, tonight, it's hit me hard: I'm truly struggling with my religion.  I haven't wanted to admit it, as if not looking it in the eye will make it not true.  But that doesn't work.  Last week was tough.  Last week I finally admitted that I'm angry with, disappointed in, and cynical of God.  I don't want to be any of those things, but I am.  But today at church I learned (more like, was reminded of) that it's okay to feel that way about God.  He can handle it. I'm just tired.  And I'm tired of being tired.  I know  God is real, that's not the struggle.  In fact, I know the exact struggle: why won't God be nice to me?   Exhibit A : I've wanted to be a music teacher and a missionary since I can remember, so when I finally committed to missions and tried to raise money (as missionaries do) and it didn't happen, I felt dumbfounded.  God says that the 'harvest is plenty but the workers are few' and here I am willing to throw mysel