duck

Lately, I've felt somewhat panicky.  Really nothing is going right for me at this time except my having a dream job lined up that starts at he end of March.  I often don't let people see/know my worried/panicky side.  This, I believe, is unhealthy, but is a disposition I adopted when I had to be the 'strong one' in the family.  I felt the pressure to hold it together so that others I love(d) could lean on me for strength and support.  I need to do some leaning, but I'm having a hard time knowing how and when to lean and on whom.

My car is, as usual, acting up:  I need a new radiator ($500ish) which means it won't pass inspection ($23) and can't get registered ($30ish) (which was due by yesterday)...and that's if I could just get enough money to do this stuff.  Since I don't start work until the end of this month, I actually (praise God) had enough money to make it to that point through a complete God story, but that money quickly went away when I had to 'lend' (I don't know if I'll get it back) a lot to someone who needed it to keep their car so, and then unexpected expenses with my car that didn't even fix the problem but simply told me what the problem is (which I already knew).  Now I need money to get my fingerprints done ($10) and a criminal background check($25) so that I can get babysitting jobs, but as I was trying to go there (using borrowed money that should be for gas) today my car started overheating so I had to just go home.  This is madness!  I'm over it all, I'm done!

I've been so good at hiding my anxiety, putting on my teacher face, but I just can't/won't anymore.  When will things be better?  When will I feel safe driving my car?  Why now?  James 4 says that 'I have not because I ask not, and when I ask I'm asking for selfish desires'.  Well I've asked and I have not, and it's not selfish for me to want my car to work properly so that I can work and help my family with bills and not be a financial burden to them.  UGH!  I feel like all the crap I've gone through recently with not going to Argentina and being angry with Him and all the hurt that's come with that would be enough suckage for a while.  What is the deal?

Once again my theology isn't lining up with what I see, if God is the Provider then why isn't He?   I know God's timing is perfect, but right now it seem off, sluggish.  I'm trying to stay my optimistic-self, but when I keep getting shoved down in the dirt, it's hard.  Quite simply, this sucks.

People see me and think I'm pretty chill, but when they see under that surface they see me being/feeling all panicky.  I'm like a duck on water, looking at it calmly gliding on the water, but underneath it's legs are going crazy propelling it around.  Well this duck is tired of trying to remain calm.  I'm over this facade of optimism; I don't feel like being optimistic because I've been shot down enough as of late.  I just need things to get better, I've been broken so much over the past few months, and now I wanna fight back.

Comments

  1. I appreciate your openness on this blog :) I've had similar feelings this week... I wasn't able to hide it yesterday though. Praying for you, friend :)

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