squirrel heart
This Sunday, Greensboro church had a guest speaker who spoke from Acts when Paul visited James, made some amends, and made a sacrifice with some Christian Jews. He told us that a squirrel's heart is the size of a baby's fist and that a big blue whale's heart is the size of a VW Beetle! He, the speaker, was talking about how Jesus can change the 'size', attitude, and focus of our hearts.
A person with a squirrel sized heart isn't happy when others succeed or have good fortune. But a person with a whale's heart is happy when others are blessed even when they, themselves, are not. Both James' and Paul's hearts were that of a whale because James didn't get offended when Paul made some corrections and Paul made sacrifices in Jewish tradition when he knew he didn't have to. They both did this for the sake of the Gospel, for the sake of Love.
I have to admit that my heart is feeling a bit squirrelly lately. I've been feeling sad about not being an overseas missionary. When I see my friends going places that I want to go, and doing things that I've always wanted to do, I feel like pounting and asking "why not me?!" I've not necessarily been feeling upset with the people I know overseas, but I have been comparing myself to them. I guess I figure what have they got that I don't have? what's wrong with me that I'm stuck here? should I even bother pursuing this dream of being an overseas missionary? if the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few, why haven't I been sent yet? will it always hurt a little when I see friends' adventures in other places? And on and on and on...
I know I should be glad that the Gospel is being advanced through people that I know and love, but that is often overshadowed by hurt from not being used. There are people who never even wanted to do missions, in or out of the country, who are overseas. And people who were called to missions a month before they left and the money just fabricated in their hands. Time and time again, I see people being called and sent with great ease who never had the passion for missions; then I look at me. I have wanted to be a missionary since I came out the womb; as a child, I'd read books about missionaries being martyred for the Gospel and think 'such love and devotion, yes Lord I'll do it'; I used to try to learn as many languages as possible because I wanted to speak the language of the people I would work with; I'd daydream about living among the people and us sharing our cultures. When most girls were daydreaming about marrying Prince Charming and having a family, I was daydreaming about living in a hut with no electricity teaching people about the Good News in their heart language. It just doesn't make sense and I can feel it turning into bitterness. I don't want to be bitter I just want to be a missionary.
I need my heart to change. I want my heart to change. I don't want missions to be a place of bitterness for me, it's been a source of great joy and hope for me my whole life. But up until now I held the hope that I would be a missionary; now, I don't know what's to become of me. I've never really pictured my life as "normal": husband, 2.3 kids, dog, white picket fence; I pictured, my husband (if I was to be married) and I traveling around the world, or living somewhere in Latin America, doing the Lord's work, maybe with our dog. I need my heart to be open to whatever my lot in life is. I want my heart to be grown from a squirrel heart to a whale heart so that I may live in accordance with God's will with sincere happiness.
A person with a squirrel sized heart isn't happy when others succeed or have good fortune. But a person with a whale's heart is happy when others are blessed even when they, themselves, are not. Both James' and Paul's hearts were that of a whale because James didn't get offended when Paul made some corrections and Paul made sacrifices in Jewish tradition when he knew he didn't have to. They both did this for the sake of the Gospel, for the sake of Love.
I have to admit that my heart is feeling a bit squirrelly lately. I've been feeling sad about not being an overseas missionary. When I see my friends going places that I want to go, and doing things that I've always wanted to do, I feel like pounting and asking "why not me?!" I've not necessarily been feeling upset with the people I know overseas, but I have been comparing myself to them. I guess I figure what have they got that I don't have? what's wrong with me that I'm stuck here? should I even bother pursuing this dream of being an overseas missionary? if the harvest is plentiful and the workers are few, why haven't I been sent yet? will it always hurt a little when I see friends' adventures in other places? And on and on and on...
I know I should be glad that the Gospel is being advanced through people that I know and love, but that is often overshadowed by hurt from not being used. There are people who never even wanted to do missions, in or out of the country, who are overseas. And people who were called to missions a month before they left and the money just fabricated in their hands. Time and time again, I see people being called and sent with great ease who never had the passion for missions; then I look at me. I have wanted to be a missionary since I came out the womb; as a child, I'd read books about missionaries being martyred for the Gospel and think 'such love and devotion, yes Lord I'll do it'; I used to try to learn as many languages as possible because I wanted to speak the language of the people I would work with; I'd daydream about living among the people and us sharing our cultures. When most girls were daydreaming about marrying Prince Charming and having a family, I was daydreaming about living in a hut with no electricity teaching people about the Good News in their heart language. It just doesn't make sense and I can feel it turning into bitterness. I don't want to be bitter I just want to be a missionary.
I need my heart to change. I want my heart to change. I don't want missions to be a place of bitterness for me, it's been a source of great joy and hope for me my whole life. But up until now I held the hope that I would be a missionary; now, I don't know what's to become of me. I've never really pictured my life as "normal": husband, 2.3 kids, dog, white picket fence; I pictured, my husband (if I was to be married) and I traveling around the world, or living somewhere in Latin America, doing the Lord's work, maybe with our dog. I need my heart to be open to whatever my lot in life is. I want my heart to be grown from a squirrel heart to a whale heart so that I may live in accordance with God's will with sincere happiness.
Comments
Post a Comment