a tragic, nothing post
Relapse, that's what it's called. When one slips back into a former habit or state, no matter how minuscule or large. I'll be doing so well, and then I'll accidentally be reminded and I then I have a brief, but terrible, relapse. I hate that about myself, I literally feel powerless to it, although I know it's a choice. Everything's a choice.
I'm almost too embarrassed to share what it is I relapsed on, but I'm scared that if I don't you'll think it more dangerous than it is truly is. Sigh, it's about a boy...well, a man. I even unfriended him on Facebook and Twitter. But, tonight, I saw a Facebook status of a mutual friend, his best friend, in which he was tagged and it instantly brought back this rush of old, wounded emotions. Naturally, I went to his Facebook profile and tried to do some 'splorin', but, alas, we're not Facebook friends anymore so I could see nothing. Honestly, how pathetic of me.
So far, from what I've noticed, there are three different types of women: 1) women who have long term crushes 2) women who hop from crush to crush and 3) women who don't really have crushes. I am part of the first group of ladies. We find a guy, we put him on a pedestal, we crush long and hard on him, we fall in love, we admire from a distance, we end up with broken hearts when said crush ruins our manifested expectations of him or gets a girlfriend. I'd like to be a part of the second group: they like guy for shallow reasons ("we bonded over our favorite coffee and indie album.") and the next week, they find someone new; they never really get attached to the idea of being with any one guy because they're too busy checking out another crush. I also wouldn't mind being in the third group of women: they like men, but their brain energies are better spent doing more productive things than fluttering from crush to crush or getting their heart broken by themselves.
When people ask me if I like anyone, I've recently started saying "I'm working on not liking someone at the moment. So, no, I don't really have any crushes." That's the truth, it's either super hard or super easy for me to fall out of like with someone, and a lot of it depends on my perception of him. My freshman year of college, I liked this guy and he liked me. We were dating and I thought he was the most excellent person ever. The moment I found out he not only smoked (and not just cigarettes) but had been dishonest about other things, I was done. I had no interest there, he was dismissed from the pedestal I'd put him on. It was over. I kinda wish that'd happen for my current crush, I wish I found out he hates dogs, or smokes, or is covered in hair (although, I know know for a fact that's not true), or just something that'd make him repulsive to me. I just want to not like him.
I thought about sending him a message sharing my feelings, but he's going back out with his ex-girlfriend (well I guess they're not exes any longer), and I don't think it'd be appropriate since he's in a relationship. I don't want to get him in trouble. I gotta stop talking about him, I gotta stop thinking about him.
Man, I feel pathetic.
I'm almost too embarrassed to share what it is I relapsed on, but I'm scared that if I don't you'll think it more dangerous than it is truly is. Sigh, it's about a boy...well, a man. I even unfriended him on Facebook and Twitter. But, tonight, I saw a Facebook status of a mutual friend, his best friend, in which he was tagged and it instantly brought back this rush of old, wounded emotions. Naturally, I went to his Facebook profile and tried to do some 'splorin', but, alas, we're not Facebook friends anymore so I could see nothing. Honestly, how pathetic of me.
So far, from what I've noticed, there are three different types of women: 1) women who have long term crushes 2) women who hop from crush to crush and 3) women who don't really have crushes. I am part of the first group of ladies. We find a guy, we put him on a pedestal, we crush long and hard on him, we fall in love, we admire from a distance, we end up with broken hearts when said crush ruins our manifested expectations of him or gets a girlfriend. I'd like to be a part of the second group: they like guy for shallow reasons ("we bonded over our favorite coffee and indie album.") and the next week, they find someone new; they never really get attached to the idea of being with any one guy because they're too busy checking out another crush. I also wouldn't mind being in the third group of women: they like men, but their brain energies are better spent doing more productive things than fluttering from crush to crush or getting their heart broken by themselves.
When people ask me if I like anyone, I've recently started saying "I'm working on not liking someone at the moment. So, no, I don't really have any crushes." That's the truth, it's either super hard or super easy for me to fall out of like with someone, and a lot of it depends on my perception of him. My freshman year of college, I liked this guy and he liked me. We were dating and I thought he was the most excellent person ever. The moment I found out he not only smoked (and not just cigarettes) but had been dishonest about other things, I was done. I had no interest there, he was dismissed from the pedestal I'd put him on. It was over. I kinda wish that'd happen for my current crush, I wish I found out he hates dogs, or smokes, or is covered in hair (although, I know know for a fact that's not true), or just something that'd make him repulsive to me. I just want to not like him.
I thought about sending him a message sharing my feelings, but he's going back out with his ex-girlfriend (well I guess they're not exes any longer), and I don't think it'd be appropriate since he's in a relationship. I don't want to get him in trouble. I gotta stop talking about him, I gotta stop thinking about him.
Man, I feel pathetic.
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