Guess who's back! Back again...
Resentment's back, tell a friend. I've been looking for another part-time job since before the school year ended. I've applied to countless places: pet stores, schools, camps, YMCA's, cafés, and clothing stores. It's July 7th and I still have no prospects.
Last Summer and all of 2010 when I was raising support for Argentina, I was trying to depend on God for my finances. I was ridiculously broke and, excuse me, busting my ass. It was frustrating and defeating and confounding. I didn't get it. People always say that when you work hard and are committed, it'll be a big payoff. If that be the case then I'm in for a lot of excellence! I hope it comes sooner rather than later. I'm in that same position now. I (if I've calculated correctly and skimp on food) have enough money to last until the end of the month. Then, that's it, that's all I got.
Okay, now for the resentment. I resent God. God is Provider, right? He literally has endless amounts of everything we need and truly want. Why's He holding out on me? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Am I STILL being tested? Is God a sadist? Is there something wrong with me? Am I that unlikable? Blah blah blah. It's dizzying and nauseating. I feel sick with worry. I have nightmares about it and when I'm awake it's the center of all my thoughts. I'm constantly calculating everything in my head. If I buy this, I can't by bread. If I buy groceries, I might not have enough money to put gas in my car. Vicious cycle. I'm at my wit's end. That's why I'm defeated: I've trusted God to the point where I wouldn't let myself have a Plan B (in the event God's plan doesn't work) and time and time again He's left me out on my ass. Not cool. Matthew 7:11 Says: If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! I'm asking, where is it?
It's hard to trust someone when they continually don't come through. I know, I know, God never breaks a promise, but it feels like He has. I want to trust Him fully, but my brain and wounded heart keep reminding me of disappointments in regards to Him. Lord, help my unbelief.
Alright, I'm finished griping.
Last Summer and all of 2010 when I was raising support for Argentina, I was trying to depend on God for my finances. I was ridiculously broke and, excuse me, busting my ass. It was frustrating and defeating and confounding. I didn't get it. People always say that when you work hard and are committed, it'll be a big payoff. If that be the case then I'm in for a lot of excellence! I hope it comes sooner rather than later. I'm in that same position now. I (if I've calculated correctly and skimp on food) have enough money to last until the end of the month. Then, that's it, that's all I got.
Okay, now for the resentment. I resent God. God is Provider, right? He literally has endless amounts of everything we need and truly want. Why's He holding out on me? Did I do something wrong? Am I being punished? Am I STILL being tested? Is God a sadist? Is there something wrong with me? Am I that unlikable? Blah blah blah. It's dizzying and nauseating. I feel sick with worry. I have nightmares about it and when I'm awake it's the center of all my thoughts. I'm constantly calculating everything in my head. If I buy this, I can't by bread. If I buy groceries, I might not have enough money to put gas in my car. Vicious cycle. I'm at my wit's end. That's why I'm defeated: I've trusted God to the point where I wouldn't let myself have a Plan B (in the event God's plan doesn't work) and time and time again He's left me out on my ass. Not cool. Matthew 7:11 Says: If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him! I'm asking, where is it?
It's hard to trust someone when they continually don't come through. I know, I know, God never breaks a promise, but it feels like He has. I want to trust Him fully, but my brain and wounded heart keep reminding me of disappointments in regards to Him. Lord, help my unbelief.
Alright, I'm finished griping.
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