Nagging, the good kind

For the past several weeks, possibly months, I've been hearing the same message at church.  Now, don't get me wrong, my pastor isn't actually saying the same message (or is he?); it's just that every Sunday whether I'm teaching Sunday School or sitting in the congregation, I have heard the same message.  At first I thought, huh that's similar to what I heard last time.  But now, I realize that it's no coincidence.  The message?  'I love you.'  I know, I know, what an obvious, elementary message, right?  That's what I think, or cognitively know.  But I certainly don't live like it.

There's one line from the message on Easter that rings in my head fairly often: God doesn't hate you.  Of course He doesn't, but I felt (and maybe still feel) that He did.  These past couple of years have been rough and I see no happy ending in sight.  I don't blame anyone, not even myself, but God.  God's in control of everything, right?  Then He's fully aware of all the crappiness that's been going down in my life.  That's the question I've been asking myself.  I've put up a wall, because I don't want to 'deal' with a life with Him.  To me, a life with Him means inevitable hurt and disappointment.

Last week's message, Humble Confidence, I finally decided to acknowledge this nagging.  At the end of the message, Pastor read Psalm 139 to us in second person (substituting me/I for you) and at every pause I heard God say 'I love you'.  I tried to let myself hear and believe it.  I have been so bitter that I didn't want to hear that.  I didn't want to accept that a relationship with God calls not just for sunshine and warm-fuzzies, but also for storms and heartache.  A relationship with God calls for growth.

Growth.  For anyone who's gone through puberty, you know how awkward, painful, and downright undelightful it is.  When in the middle of Growth, you often don't know how to feel about these changes. You're happy to be getting taller, getting a deeper voice, growing hair, getting breasts, looking more like an adult.  But no matter how 'awesome' those changes are, puberty sucks.  It's emotionally draining for you and everyone around you and you don't really know how to navigate everything that's going on inside and out.  But it's natural and necessary.  In the end you're glad that your feet grew so large because you're so much taller, you just couldn't see the bigger picture as the picture was being painted.  Growth isn't easy, and sometimes it's downright exasperating, but it's got to happen if we are to be who we are made to be.

Cognitively, I know God loves me.  But my bitter heart has difficulty accepting this love because it's not the kind of love always feels easy.  But I want growth and I want to be who and what I'm meant to be; in order for that to happen, I'm going to have to accept the less pleasant parts of God's perfect love.

Here's a link to the sermons, take a gander, I'm certain there's something for you.  No matter what message(s) you listen to, remember God loves YOU!