The Aftertaste

Tonight I ate Cookout's Cajun Fries and they were so spicy that after eating them, my mouth still hurt...remember that for later.

Tonight, I went to my college-young adult meeting like usual, and the message was written specifically for me (well it felt that way).  The message was about attitude, and Jonah and the prodigal son's older brother were the main characters.  You see, they both had rotten attitudes about the actions of the Father towards people/places/situations they thought negatively of.

At the beginning of the year, I was angry with God; I was angry because I didn't see His goodness being displayed in my life.  Nothing made sense to me, nothing added up, nothing felt fair, nothing was right.  Everything sucked.  But I'm not angry anymore, but remember those fries?  They were the main attraction, but the aftertaste, the afterburn, could hold it's own as a main show.  I'll break it down for you:

Fries=Anger I had toward God.

Aftertaste/Afterburn=The suspicion, disappointment, disapproval, cynicism, frustration I have toward God, and everything that matters in life.

Are you with me?

The speaker talked about how we have to, in a way, forgive God.  Now, of course, God has done nothing wrong, but when we forgive someone, we release them from the negative relationship between yourself and them.  It allows the relationship to progress, it frees up both parties to grow.  It's a step toward mending your heart toward God so that He can do bigger things in and through you.

Jonah acted like a brat after he went to Nineveh in obedience; he was less than thrilled about the assignment, so upon completing it, he went to watch the show on a hill east of the city.  He wanted to see the destruction, smiting, of the city, but, low and behold, they repented and God showed them great mercy.  Jonah didn't think God was doing the right thing showing the people of Nineveh such grace and mercy, he said "...for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster.  Therefore now, O LORD, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live" (Jonah 4:2-3).  So Jonah was so disappointed with the lack of death raining down on the townspeople that he would rather die, drama queen much?  Jonah pouted even while God continued to be good to him, simply because things didn't go as Jonah had planned.  

So, since it's my blog, back to me.  Good news: I'm no longer angry with the Lord.  Bad news: I'm still not so thrilled with Him, I don't trust Him to do 'the right thing' (well, what I deem as the right thing).  There's this cognitive dissonance that I'm facing: God, over and over again I see You being so good to Your children, but I'm not seeing that goodness manifest itself in my life.  This has caused me to be quite a cynic in regards to God.  I suspiciously ask a lot of questions, as if He doesn't have my best interest in mind and  as if He's not as good and loving as He claims to be.

This bad aftertaste I have from the anger I held against God has lasted longer than the actual anger, but I know that I don't want it anymore.  I'm tired of being dejected and distrusting.  I want to have hope again; specifically, I want to have hope in the Lord again.  I want to trust in Him without abandon.  I know this isn't something that can be accomplished with just a one time prayer.  The speaker shared about a friend who had been hating this man for so long that when he found out the man wasn't guilty, he still hated him; I've been cynical of God for so long that I can't just accept that He is good and does love me (although, not always in ways I prefer), it's going to take some retraining.

I have to be honest in saying that I'm not thrilled about this journey, I sort of already want to be a quitter. I've grown accustomed to this mindset of skepticism and have felt justified in it.  This is not okay, I do want to change...here we go!