Lady in Waiting
Something I don't like doing is waiting. I don't know that I'd call myself impatient, because I don't really act like I'm anxious about waiting, but inside I'm often antsy with anticipation.
Right now, the biggest thing I'm waiting for is a job; I've applied to several schools and some other places, so now I wait. I don't know how long to wait or if I should continue to apply to places. It's not unbearable, but it certainly isn't pleasant.
I think that women often feel frustration in waiting, I believe it's part of the result of The Fall of Man. Women tend to want to take control of whatever the situation may be. But that's not alright. Men are supposed to be the leaders, even though they often tend to abdicate their duties, also because of The Fall. What a predicament that leaves us, men and women, in. What God created as a perfect balance between men and women, leadership and submission, has now been reduced to a tug-of-war of control, power, and leadership between the sexes.
Sometimes it feels like I'm always waiting for something, but I think in those times it feels that way because all I can think about is how I dislike waiting. I'm the kind of person that is always in pursuit of the future, near of far, because I am certain that it will hold something better. This is a problem; I'm here now because I'm here now, so I might as well live here now. When I'm being farsighted, I miss the beauty and necessity of now. 'Now' becomes dulled to mundane mediocrity and 'later' becomes the main attraction. 'Later' becomes my idol.
My idolatry of the future, the 'later', is something I've known I do for a little while and for a while I was intent on not obsessing about it. But, as you may know, I've not been very intent on anything lately so I've resorted back to my old ways. That sucks. Daydreaming about possibilities is like an indulgence of mine; it's like knowing there's a time and place for that candy bar, but ignoring moderation and eating it whenever the heck you want, wherever the heck you want. At some point it's gonna catch up with you. Or like this novel I read as a child about this boy with the 'Chocolate Touch'; everything he touched turned into chocolate. His touch, at first, only turned certain things into chocolate, but eventually everything, even his mom turned into chocolate with his hands' touch. Chocolate, itself, isn't bad, but when it's outside of moderation it is unhealthy and turns your loved ones into it (lol); thinking about the future isn't bad and is, at times, necessary, but when it becomes an obsession it becomes a distraction and a disappointment. A disappointment because once I get to 'the future', it's not good enough because the future-er is better-er. Yikes, what a disappointing cycle.
I want to not obsess about the future, and I know that the only way I can stop is through considerable help from the Lord. I was doing really well for a little while; I just need to go back to constantly submitting my futuristic daydreams to Him. When I find myself wandering into that section of my brain I need to say "Lord, I want to fantasize about the future because I have chosen not to be satisfied by you, please help me to seek fulfillment in you and nothing else. Please give the strength."
Here I go, getting back on the horse.
Right now, the biggest thing I'm waiting for is a job; I've applied to several schools and some other places, so now I wait. I don't know how long to wait or if I should continue to apply to places. It's not unbearable, but it certainly isn't pleasant.
I think that women often feel frustration in waiting, I believe it's part of the result of The Fall of Man. Women tend to want to take control of whatever the situation may be. But that's not alright. Men are supposed to be the leaders, even though they often tend to abdicate their duties, also because of The Fall. What a predicament that leaves us, men and women, in. What God created as a perfect balance between men and women, leadership and submission, has now been reduced to a tug-of-war of control, power, and leadership between the sexes.
Sometimes it feels like I'm always waiting for something, but I think in those times it feels that way because all I can think about is how I dislike waiting. I'm the kind of person that is always in pursuit of the future, near of far, because I am certain that it will hold something better. This is a problem; I'm here now because I'm here now, so I might as well live here now. When I'm being farsighted, I miss the beauty and necessity of now. 'Now' becomes dulled to mundane mediocrity and 'later' becomes the main attraction. 'Later' becomes my idol.
My idolatry of the future, the 'later', is something I've known I do for a little while and for a while I was intent on not obsessing about it. But, as you may know, I've not been very intent on anything lately so I've resorted back to my old ways. That sucks. Daydreaming about possibilities is like an indulgence of mine; it's like knowing there's a time and place for that candy bar, but ignoring moderation and eating it whenever the heck you want, wherever the heck you want. At some point it's gonna catch up with you. Or like this novel I read as a child about this boy with the 'Chocolate Touch'; everything he touched turned into chocolate. His touch, at first, only turned certain things into chocolate, but eventually everything, even his mom turned into chocolate with his hands' touch. Chocolate, itself, isn't bad, but when it's outside of moderation it is unhealthy and turns your loved ones into it (lol); thinking about the future isn't bad and is, at times, necessary, but when it becomes an obsession it becomes a distraction and a disappointment. A disappointment because once I get to 'the future', it's not good enough because the future-er is better-er. Yikes, what a disappointing cycle.
I want to not obsess about the future, and I know that the only way I can stop is through considerable help from the Lord. I was doing really well for a little while; I just need to go back to constantly submitting my futuristic daydreams to Him. When I find myself wandering into that section of my brain I need to say "Lord, I want to fantasize about the future because I have chosen not to be satisfied by you, please help me to seek fulfillment in you and nothing else. Please give the strength."
Here I go, getting back on the horse.
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