nameless post
I don't how to start, or where to start, or anything for that matter. But I'm going to try to put into words these unpleasant feelings that are crowding my being.
I want you to know that I've never been good at holding a grudge; in fact, last time I tried to hold a grudge I was 12 and after a day I had to think really hard why I wasn't talking to my Momma. I'm very resilient (that sounds really prideful, but it's true). Also, I don't remember the last time I was angry, hurt yes, angry no. So these feelings that I'm about to describe could have a different name than the ones I give them.
I think I'm angry with God, and this is why: why would He get my hopes up these past several months, egging me on only to say 'no'? Why would He place so deeply in me the desire to be an overseas missionary and then not use me? Why would He have different people giving their money and prayers if I wasn't going? Why would He have me at an ideal time in my life (no mortgage/car payments, no children/family, no job/plan) to just up and go wherever and not send me? All these questions are plaguing me. It makes no sense to me. I feel like God is being mean to me, although I know God is not; He is, in fact, just.
Tonight, the message at my college-young adult group was about being missional; about not just focusing inward to our friends, but about going outside of our comfort zone and sharing Jesus. And I agree, wholeheartedly! He was speaking specifically about going out into our city and sharing the Gospel of peace, I'm all for that. This is how I feel about being mission minded: the Lord calls people to different places, some are called to be missionaries to the people right near them, those people are SOOOO important; the Lord also calls people to the far corners of the earth, those people are also very important. As for me, I feel quite called to being a missionary overseas, I always have. In fact, I used to daydream about being a missionary to many different places and sharing His Message with the hungry and needy.
(As I'm writing this blog entry, I can see my pride creeping out to cover my wounds; it's a sad attempt to keep the salt from being rubbed in them every time someone asks me about Argentina or I see a friend doing what I've always dreamed of.)...I have no clue where I'm going with this entry; it's just stream of consciousness. I'm trying to understand how I feel right now, because I have never felt this way before, I've never been angry with God (if that even is the right name of the emotion) and I don't like it at all.
There are so many things that don't make since to me and I'm tired of not knowing the answers, but I'm especially tired of not hearing from God anymore. I have no direction, no solid plan, and no answers. I've been asking and asking to hear from Him, but have basically given up because I'm not getting anything. Now, I'm learning to stop asking and to just wait; now would be a great time for answers and direction, but God has chosen not to give those to me right now. I don't like it, but it is what it is.
I know that this isn't the end; just because I'm not going now, doesn't mean I won't ever go. But if not now, then when?
I want you to know that I've never been good at holding a grudge; in fact, last time I tried to hold a grudge I was 12 and after a day I had to think really hard why I wasn't talking to my Momma. I'm very resilient (that sounds really prideful, but it's true). Also, I don't remember the last time I was angry, hurt yes, angry no. So these feelings that I'm about to describe could have a different name than the ones I give them.
I think I'm angry with God, and this is why: why would He get my hopes up these past several months, egging me on only to say 'no'? Why would He place so deeply in me the desire to be an overseas missionary and then not use me? Why would He have different people giving their money and prayers if I wasn't going? Why would He have me at an ideal time in my life (no mortgage/car payments, no children/family, no job/plan) to just up and go wherever and not send me? All these questions are plaguing me. It makes no sense to me. I feel like God is being mean to me, although I know God is not; He is, in fact, just.
Tonight, the message at my college-young adult group was about being missional; about not just focusing inward to our friends, but about going outside of our comfort zone and sharing Jesus. And I agree, wholeheartedly! He was speaking specifically about going out into our city and sharing the Gospel of peace, I'm all for that. This is how I feel about being mission minded: the Lord calls people to different places, some are called to be missionaries to the people right near them, those people are SOOOO important; the Lord also calls people to the far corners of the earth, those people are also very important. As for me, I feel quite called to being a missionary overseas, I always have. In fact, I used to daydream about being a missionary to many different places and sharing His Message with the hungry and needy.
(As I'm writing this blog entry, I can see my pride creeping out to cover my wounds; it's a sad attempt to keep the salt from being rubbed in them every time someone asks me about Argentina or I see a friend doing what I've always dreamed of.)...I have no clue where I'm going with this entry; it's just stream of consciousness. I'm trying to understand how I feel right now, because I have never felt this way before, I've never been angry with God (if that even is the right name of the emotion) and I don't like it at all.
There are so many things that don't make since to me and I'm tired of not knowing the answers, but I'm especially tired of not hearing from God anymore. I have no direction, no solid plan, and no answers. I've been asking and asking to hear from Him, but have basically given up because I'm not getting anything. Now, I'm learning to stop asking and to just wait; now would be a great time for answers and direction, but God has chosen not to give those to me right now. I don't like it, but it is what it is.
I know that this isn't the end; just because I'm not going now, doesn't mean I won't ever go. But if not now, then when?
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