if I'm completely honest

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Hi.  Well second to last time I posted, I expressed that I was angry with God because I felt that He was mean and rude to me.   Nothing has really changed, but I don't care.  I know, I know...that's so un-Christiany, but it's the truth.  I feel that God has slammed the door in my face (leaving my nose broken) and has stopped talking to me.  In human terms, we'd call that rude.

I'm in the wilderness, not to elevate myself to the level of the Hebrews when they had been rescued from Egypt, but I am spiritually in the wilderness.  I'm extremely uncomfortable, don't know which way is up, and have some future hope of something great, but have lost sight of it because all I can see is the misery of now.

Something that's also really un-Christiany of me is my not really talking to God; I still love Him, but I'm not ready to trust Him again.  Someone described it as me putting God on the couch (like a married couple), but it's more like I am on the couch because God doesn't budge, He's never-changing, I'm the flaky one.

I know God loves me, and I don't not love Him; but His love hurts right now and I don't like things that hurt.  The expectations of what I had in my mind about His love, don't align with what I see/feel; how disappointing to me.

Aside from all this, there are other things that aren't going too well in my life, which makes my life suck even more.
So to be honest, I'm not doing well...but I don't really care.

How un-Christiany of me.

Comments

  1. MichelleJanuary 24, 2011 at 6:45 PM

    Thanks for being honest! The dessert sucks! Last week, I was talking with an older lady and she was telling me about her experience with encountering Hosea 2:14 on a plaque somewhere - the version said something to the affect of, "I call you into the dessert to reveal myself to you." Because regardless of how much we think we rely on God, we only fully rely on Him in the dessert. When there is nothing else on which to rely.

    I've also been doing a study of Isaiah and that has repeatedly made me ask, 'just who is this God that I'm dealing with?' Nothing He does makes sense from my perspective.

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