I should probably write this and actually post it

This is my first (posted) blog of 2015! And I sure do have a lot to catch you up on, so brace yourself. And in true form, it'll be in list form because that's how I like it and it's my blog.

1) Work

The last time I wrote, I gushed about my job.  I had only been working there for some weeks and was still in the awkward honeymoon stage, but that honeymoon is over and so is the job.  I actually got fired almost two weeks ago.  I have mixed feelings about it all: on the one hand I need a job because I need money because society says so, yet on the other hand, I'm kinda relieved.  I wouldn't say the job quickly turned sour, but the more I worked that job, the more my soul died (is this the drama you're looking for?) and the more I realized I'm not cut out for that type of position.  Now I'm royally sucking at the job hunt again.  I just feel like I have no direction in my life.  I can't put my finger on what I'd like to do and I certainly don't know how to arrive there.  Something that I really struggled with with my last job was the lack of gratification I felt.  I went from teaching, a very gratifying career, to selling stuff on the phone.  I got whiplash from the change of career.  I know I want my next job to be more face-to-face and to somehow have a bigger, or deeper, impact on people's lives.  So if you have any ideas or jobs just let me know. Please and thank you.

2) Parenting

I have a dog!  She is the best dog on the planet and her name is Mia. She's an American Bulldog and is 6ish years old.  I brought her home the week before Halloween and am in love.  She is very confident and loves her butt rubbed (but who doesn't).  For those of you who have known me for a while, you know how much I love animals and that I've wanted a dog for years; all that to say that parenting a dog (yep, I meant to say it that way) is as wonderful and exactly as I thought it would be.

(she hates selfies, but we both look damn good in this photo)

3) Passions

Yoga...I love it.  I'm a member of a local hot yoga studio and I go a few times a week.  I think I'd like to become a yoga teacher.  It's hard to describe the feeling, but my insides and outsides feel like they are aligned with one another and I feel calm and happy and satiated and clean.  For those of you who know my anxious, too-serious self, you know it's a rare treasure to find me in that state.  I'd like to take a yoga certification class that's coming up in April, but right now my biggest priority is finding a job. It seems like every time I consider taking this class, money/job issues step in and slap me around.

4) Religion/Spirituality

Someone important asked me the other night about my religious/spiritual self.  Specifically, what I consider myself.  This is a complicated, heavy question.  My short answer to get most people off my back is: Christian, but that word doesn't suffice anymore. Do I believe in God? Yes. Do I believe in the Christian God? Yes-ish. Do I believe all the same things about this God and His Book (I'm talking about the Bible) that most Christians adhere to? Absolutely not.  Do I go to church? Nope.  Being told who/what/when/where/how/why to believe my whole life hasn't really done me any favors.  Now I'm kinda on a hiatus from all that.  That's not to say that I don't contemplate these things, I just don't exert nearly as much mental/emotion/spiritual/even physical energy towards them.  To be quite frank, it feels good.  I am a questioning person, always have been, but now I'm not busting my spiritual ass trying to get to all the right answers, trying to be the right answer.  The world looks a lot differently, sometimes better and sometimes worse, from this perspective.

5) Family

I'm not going to go into too much depth with this because I like to give my family its privacy, but I will say that for the first time in a long time I feel like my family is in a really good place, an actual upswing. Some months ago there was some rock-bottomness, but now I feel much more optimistic and relieved at how my family is recouping.  I am grateful. Also, I talked to my beloved Grandmo (not a typo) the other day for her birthday and she is literally one of the best people on the planet. And that's all I have to say about that.

6) New Category

This is something very new and different in my life: I'm dating (not in a relationship) someone. I haven't had any dating action since 2012, and those were just a one date thing.  Here's the long and short of it: we met at my job (the one I got fired from); we hung out a few sporadic times; I developed a crush, but was too scared to admit it to literally anyone (historically, my crushing on someone has made a sloppy fool of myself); one night they told me they have a crush on me; I freaked the fuck out; a couple nights later I put on my big girl panties (thanks to the emboldening of a couple friends) and told them the feeling is mutual; we agreed that it's more than platonic. We are dating. Honestly? I feel so bad at it.  I'll sometimes say and do shit, like today, and wonder why/if/how they still like me. Here's why I'm so bad at it: I don't readily share my emotions.  I pass off my thoughts (which aren't that connected to my emotions) as how I feel about something because it's easier, safer than risking getting feelings hurt. I'm trying NOT to do that with this person, but it is hard and if I'm honest scary.  I really, really like them and that scares me because liking someone has never not ended in heartache for me. I am the queen of unrequited love. Seriously, it's my specialty.  But this is different and good.  They are so different from the people I usually crush on, but they are wonderful and I like them more and more, I keep wanting more of them. That's scary.  They don't want a commitment right now (after having relatively recently been in a serious relationship for three years, I get where that could be coming from), which is one reason why I emphasized that we're dating and not 'in a relationship', but I do want a commitment.  Sometimes this makes me feel insecure, like I could just be dropped from their life at any second, but I try to push through that and be in the now. Sometimes I feel like I like them more than they like me; I don't think it's ever felt the other way around (them liking me more than I like them). I feel like I'm painting the picture of a horrible  (imbalanced) dating relationship, but it really isn't...maybe. I'm voicing my insecurities. (I'm experimenting with this whole recognizing and realizing my feelings thing.) This person has issues of their own, things I don't like about them, insecurities, and walls.  All that proves is that they are human like most of us.  Take earlier today for instance: they said that there are parts of their self that I don't have access to, this kinda hurt my feelings because I push myself to be open and honest with them and felt like I was bringing down my walls to let them in, why wouldn't they do the same? But I realized that even though I want to deeply know this person, no walls, I can't make that happen; I can't use force, only time and learning one another will make them feel safe to let me past the walls. That's fair.  Wow, I made myself sound super mature in that anecdote, but really I'm pretty sure I sounded like a whiney bitch earlier today as this convo was going down.  Anyway, this is all new to me, everything.  It's weird how my mood can be affected (is that the right e/affected?) by this other person who matters so much to me. There's a shit ton more I could write about this, but I won't.

Well, folks, there you have it: my life in six nutshells.  Hopefully, it won't be too long before I write again, I become a wreck when I don't write regularly.