One thing a friend should tell a friend before they become friends
I don't know if there is an exact moment when you know you're going to be friends with someone. Surely, some friendships start off with certainty, but others just sneak up and surprise YOU'RE FRIENDS! But wouldn't it be great if you knew some things about your relationship before you all invested in this person as your friend?!
I'm 25, so that means most people my age are either dating seriously/engaged/married, that's pretty normal. I'm not in a relationship, and I really like it that way, but it doesn't mean that I'm not surrounded by romantic relationships. It's unavoidable, really. As a single person, but mostly just a person who has feelings, I would like to know some things about a person before I enter into a friendship with them. I want to know how they're going to be when they are dating/engaged/married.
Something I've noticed about some, not all, people when they get married is that they become an island. I actually had a friend tell me a week or so ago that when they're married, they won't need anyone else, they'll be good with just their husband. Or the friend who had to get off the phone because her husband would be home soon, but she'd call be right, but never did. They are suddenly incapable of existing/functioning without their spouse. They can't go out to eat with friends because they are married. They can't go to the beach with friends because they are married. They can't do friend things because they are married. I know that they're spouse trumps all, but they're going to spend the rest of their lives together, I don't think lunch apart will hurt anything.
I'd like to also know whether they will start acting with entitlement once in a relationship, so I can avoid them. Suddenly, their opinion matters more. Their stuff takes precedent over others' stuff. Their time matters more than others'. A person isn't better because they're in a relationship, they're just in a relationship.
I'm happy for people who are in healthy relationships because that's something a lot of people deeply desire. I want people to have things they desire and I would hope people want that for me. But if someone is going to go all 'entitled island' on me when they're in a relationship, then will they please let me know?! I'd literally rather not even start a friendship, than to have you snatch up our friendship once you've found someone to pour your hopes and dreams into. It hurts, it deeply hurts and baffles me. Just because you expect your partner to fulfill all your needs and wants, doesn't mean I still don't have needs and wants that I'd like to share with you. Just because your purpose has shifted to being this person's partner, doesn't mean that my purpose has shifted. Just because the sun and moon rise and set because of this person, doesn't me that my world has really changed. Just because you now need no one else but your partner (which, might I add, is a lot of pressure to put on one human being), doesn't mean that I don't need you.
So what am I saying? I guess I'm saying that if I'm just a time filler for you while you wait for your partner to come along, then please don't befriend me. That may seem harsh or drastic, but I really mean it. What about those great times we had when we were both single, were those for naught? To me, the single one, no, but to you, apparently yes. I expect things to be different for us because you're in a relationship, but different doesn't mean disloyalty to our friendship. All I'm asking is, in an effort to be a great partner/spouse, don't become a terrible friend.
I'm 25, so that means most people my age are either dating seriously/engaged/married, that's pretty normal. I'm not in a relationship, and I really like it that way, but it doesn't mean that I'm not surrounded by romantic relationships. It's unavoidable, really. As a single person, but mostly just a person who has feelings, I would like to know some things about a person before I enter into a friendship with them. I want to know how they're going to be when they are dating/engaged/married.
Something I've noticed about some, not all, people when they get married is that they become an island. I actually had a friend tell me a week or so ago that when they're married, they won't need anyone else, they'll be good with just their husband. Or the friend who had to get off the phone because her husband would be home soon, but she'd call be right, but never did. They are suddenly incapable of existing/functioning without their spouse. They can't go out to eat with friends because they are married. They can't go to the beach with friends because they are married. They can't do friend things because they are married. I know that they're spouse trumps all, but they're going to spend the rest of their lives together, I don't think lunch apart will hurt anything.
I'd like to also know whether they will start acting with entitlement once in a relationship, so I can avoid them. Suddenly, their opinion matters more. Their stuff takes precedent over others' stuff. Their time matters more than others'. A person isn't better because they're in a relationship, they're just in a relationship.
I'm happy for people who are in healthy relationships because that's something a lot of people deeply desire. I want people to have things they desire and I would hope people want that for me. But if someone is going to go all 'entitled island' on me when they're in a relationship, then will they please let me know?! I'd literally rather not even start a friendship, than to have you snatch up our friendship once you've found someone to pour your hopes and dreams into. It hurts, it deeply hurts and baffles me. Just because you expect your partner to fulfill all your needs and wants, doesn't mean I still don't have needs and wants that I'd like to share with you. Just because your purpose has shifted to being this person's partner, doesn't mean that my purpose has shifted. Just because the sun and moon rise and set because of this person, doesn't me that my world has really changed. Just because you now need no one else but your partner (which, might I add, is a lot of pressure to put on one human being), doesn't mean that I don't need you.
So what am I saying? I guess I'm saying that if I'm just a time filler for you while you wait for your partner to come along, then please don't befriend me. That may seem harsh or drastic, but I really mean it. What about those great times we had when we were both single, were those for naught? To me, the single one, no, but to you, apparently yes. I expect things to be different for us because you're in a relationship, but different doesn't mean disloyalty to our friendship. All I'm asking is, in an effort to be a great partner/spouse, don't become a terrible friend.
Being a few years down the road, all I can say is, "Sometimes people come back from their entitled island of relationship-dom and are able to be a real friend again." But, unfortunately, sometimes they are lost forever.
ReplyDeleteWhile I'm glad to hear that, it still doesn't take away from how hurtful it is. While they're on entitlement island, their abandoned friends' lives are moving forward. If they come back to the real world, they can't expect to pick up where they left off.
ReplyDelete