Can't Sleep, Real Nightmares
It's 3am. I was asleep, but then I woke up as I usually do. Since I don't have to get up early, I decided to peruse Twitter for a little bit and came across this little opinion piece that will serve as my weekly list post. Sex trafficking isn't news to me, but it's presence in the USA was made known to me in college when I learned about it's large presence in Greensboro, where I went to school, and other places in North Carolina, when I attended some kind of informational meeting(s) or something. Reading the piece made me sad so I tried to get my mind off of it by doing a little Facebooking. But that didn't work because suddenly my mind was racing with nightmarish thoughts about all the evil and pain and sadness and fear and hate in the World. Suddenly, I was back to being my 13-14 year old self crying myself in and out of sleep in the middle of the night, crying out to God, because I saw, I see, all this horror in the World and feel completely overwhelmed and paralyzed and ashamed. I was gonna write a silly list post about things that make me cry (i.e. puppies, The Ellen Show), but then I decided to write an almost tribute to myself about what I like about me and turning 25. I couldn't muster up much for both, I didn't feel like writing. I feel like writing now.
Overwhelmed/paralyzed/ashamed. In addition to the heartache I feel for people who are abused/marginalized/hated/used, I feel overwhelmed/paralyzed/ashamed. Overwhelmed because there are so many people, more daily, who are victims, past-present-future. Overwhelmed because there are so many ways people can be mistreated and it seems there are new ways created daily, it's hard to keep up. Paralyzed because I wouldn't even know where to begin to help. Paralyzed because I can't choose just one 'cause' to devote myself to because I hurt for all. Paralyzed because I feel small and insignificant and dumb and ill-informed and incapable. Ashamed because I do nothing. Ashamed because I have such a great life for which I'm often ungrateful. Ashamed because I think of all the slaves that made my clothes, electronics, furniture, my stuff. Ashamed because I am so selfish, so self-absorbed at times.
Then I get to thinking about if what I do, teach music, matters. And while, for the most part, I am firm and passionate advocate for education (NOT the education system), it often seems in vain when held up to the monster of human trafficking. It makes me want to go all Bryan Mills and start kicking ass and taking names internationally and nationally. It makes me want to go into every brothel, every concentration camp, every street corner, every factory, every field, every unsafe home, every cult compound, every sex temple, every trash dump, every ditch ,every guarded border, every refugee camp, every orphanage, every child soldier camp and say 'sorry' and cry and hug and rescue and fix. But then I feel overwhelmed, then paralyzed, and, finally, ashamed.
So then what do I do? What can I do? How does one go (back) to sleep knowing that just down the road, just across the globe, there are real, living-breathing, nightmares happening now? Perhaps I should feel empowered, but I don't; I can't shake this overwhelmed/paralyzed/ashamed feeling. What sorry excuses to not help others. If I wait until I feel 'ready' then I will never help. So is this a call to action?
Overwhelmed/paralyzed/ashamed. In addition to the heartache I feel for people who are abused/marginalized/hated/used, I feel overwhelmed/paralyzed/ashamed. Overwhelmed because there are so many people, more daily, who are victims, past-present-future. Overwhelmed because there are so many ways people can be mistreated and it seems there are new ways created daily, it's hard to keep up. Paralyzed because I wouldn't even know where to begin to help. Paralyzed because I can't choose just one 'cause' to devote myself to because I hurt for all. Paralyzed because I feel small and insignificant and dumb and ill-informed and incapable. Ashamed because I do nothing. Ashamed because I have such a great life for which I'm often ungrateful. Ashamed because I think of all the slaves that made my clothes, electronics, furniture, my stuff. Ashamed because I am so selfish, so self-absorbed at times.
Then I get to thinking about if what I do, teach music, matters. And while, for the most part, I am firm and passionate advocate for education (NOT the education system), it often seems in vain when held up to the monster of human trafficking. It makes me want to go all Bryan Mills and start kicking ass and taking names internationally and nationally. It makes me want to go into every brothel, every concentration camp, every street corner, every factory, every field, every unsafe home, every cult compound, every sex temple, every trash dump, every ditch ,every guarded border, every refugee camp, every orphanage, every child soldier camp and say 'sorry' and cry and hug and rescue and fix. But then I feel overwhelmed, then paralyzed, and, finally, ashamed.
So then what do I do? What can I do? How does one go (back) to sleep knowing that just down the road, just across the globe, there are real, living-breathing, nightmares happening now? Perhaps I should feel empowered, but I don't; I can't shake this overwhelmed/paralyzed/ashamed feeling. What sorry excuses to not help others. If I wait until I feel 'ready' then I will never help. So is this a call to action?
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