Why I'd be the Worst Pregnant Lady Ever

So, about every other day someone announces that they're pregnant or that they've had a baby.  These women are incredible.  I've haphazardly heard and read about pregnancy horror stories like losing teeth and balding.  I don't want to be a mom, I know people who want nothing more than to be a parent, and their kids are great. The women who are so pregnant and still so graceful deserve an award because it doesn't just change the body, it changes the way they live.  So here's why you'd likely hate being around me if I was ever pregnant or why I'd hate being around myself.

1) Whiny.  I anticipate me whining a lot.  I'm not a complainer, I like to try to fix the object of the whining, but being pregnant isn't something I can 'fix'.

2) Horse Pills.  When it comes to taking medicine, I'm the worst at taking it.  Even little naproxen sodium pills are a challenge for me.  I have to concentrate really hard and talk myself into it with a ton of water.  I've seen the prenatal vitamins women have to take, no way.  They're huge!  Also, I remember my mom having to take iron supplements and them making her sick because they're so strong, that doesn't jive with me.  Also also, a lot of vitamins have gelatin in them and I'm a vegetarian, so that's a no go.

3) Sleeping.  I'm a stomach sleeper.  I'm not a fan of sleeping on my back, it's uncomfortable.  I'm okay with sleeping on my side, but still prefer my stomach.  Well, when a woman's pregnant, she can't sleep whatever way she wants and certainly not on her stomach because there's a human inside.  A lot of women apparently use some kind of pillow, but that doesn't sound too terrible.

4) Peeing.  I'm a teacher, so I can't just go to the bathroom whenever I want.  I hear the zygotes like to play around with their mom's organs, including her bladder.  It'd be terrible to be in the middle of teaching, have the baby kick my bladder and just have to pee.  Ain't nobody got time for that.

5) Hormones.  There's a lot of 'extra' hormones pumping through the body.  I've seen pregnant women go from laugh to sobbing in a manner of seconds.  I don't like having no control over my emotions, that seems exhausting.

6) Doctor Visits.  I'm not a fan of going to doctors offices.  You have to go fairly often.  No thanks.

7) Touching.  I don't know what it is, but people feel like they can just touch the mom's belly when she's pregnant.  It's weird and I won't allow it.  When people touch the belly, they're not only touching the woman, they're touching the baby.  I don't want all these people touching my baby.  Creepers.

Well, there you have it.  The above just doesn't sound awesome to me.  But there are plenty of women who love being pregnant and who are good at it.  And, yes, the things I mentioned are trivial and I would put up with them if I ever got pregnant (except the touching), but I don't want to ever deal with that stuff.  Pregnant women everywhere are being so graceful and gracious, I would just be moping around... hohum.