Missionary Miscarriage
Hello, so I'm not going to Argentina in the near future with Campus Crusade for Christ. At base, I was only at 51% support raised and I cannot go underfunded. I've been describing this process of coming to terms with not going as a miscarriage. I have never been pregnant and so I have never miscarried, but I have often heard of things being 'spiritually birthed' and that's what I'm basing this on. I hope, and don't think it will, this analogy doesn't offend anyone, but it's truly how I feel.
As many women have felt called their whole life to be mothers, to have lot's of babies with their amazing husband: I have felt called to be a missionary, to do lots of things with and for my amazing Lover. When the time was right, the moment finally came, she became pregnant and she knew it: finally I was called to be a missionary to Argentina when I graduated from school, I was so excited! She went to the Lamaze classes, ate the right food, did a gift registry at Babes-r-Us: I went to Intern Kickoff Weekend (where I signed a bunch of papers and learned how to raise support), read lots of books, raised support. All along she was trying not to stress out/worry or overexert because she didn't want to taint the beauty of the pregnancy and the birth: I tried to depend on God to bring the money in, instead of me trying to worry it in, because I didn't want to become jaded amongst other things. Matthew 6:25-34 tells us to not be anxious/worry, we tried to adhere to that. As the pregnancy progressed, she noticed a few discomforts, but she didn't want to over-analyze, so she trusted that things would be fine: as I continued to raise support, I noticed how hard it was coming in, but I didn't want to worry and therefore distrust God. Some people discouraged her about being a mother, saying that she should just put the child up for adoption or should have just adopted, but she's felted called to be a mommy for as long as she can remember and wants it more than anything else: some people said I should just call it quits because there was noway that amount of money would come in, others said that it was wrong for me to go overseas because there are plenty of people that need God here in the States, but I have felt called to be an overseas missionary for as long as I can remember and I want it badly, probably more than I want anything else. Towards the end of her pregnancy things didn't seem to be going well, she didn't feel a lot of movement and feared the worse, but she didn't want to throw in the towel, she'd fight for her child because she loved it: towards the end of support raising things weren't looking good, money had been coming in slowly and unsteadily, but I didn't want to quit because I love missions and that call hasn't gone away. She panicked when others told her that it wasn't looking good and she should abort, but she trusted in God to give her a healthy child; I panicked when bosses told me to quit, but I didn't want to stifle God if He so chose to move and work. So here she is on her due date scared and confused and anxiously waiting to see what's going to happen: so here I am at my deadline scared and confused and anxiously waiting to see what's going to happen. She goes to the hospital...but low and behold the baby is not alive; she's terrified and confused and ashamed and hurting: I am sitting at the Father's feet...but low and behold I am not going to Argentina soon; I'm terrified and confused and ashamed and hurting. We're exhausted.
But the good news for her is that this isn't the end, she can try again, that call to be a mother is still there: this isn't the end for me, I will try again (I don't know in what capacity), that call to be a missionary overseas is still there! While we don't understand why the Lord brought us through such a hard season we trust in His sovereignty in our lives and love Him no less because we cannot fully understand Him. She didn't go through this alone, she had an amazing husband and an even more amazing God: I did not go through this alone, I have excellent friends, family, and supporters and an even more excellent Lover.
I don't know what the Lord has for me in my immediate/distant future, but I will do my best not to fret over it. God is no less sovereign, good, or wise when we do not understand His plan or when we are hurting. There are a whole slew of emotions and questions that I have, but the above is the big picture and a very accurate one of my journey through this season in my life. I have learned much about God and my's relationship, and our relationship has changed for the better. I do not know a lot/anything about my life right now, but I know God holds my future and that will have to be enough for me.
"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters. Amen." Galatians 6:18
In Christ's Love,
Coléa
As many women have felt called their whole life to be mothers, to have lot's of babies with their amazing husband: I have felt called to be a missionary, to do lots of things with and for my amazing Lover. When the time was right, the moment finally came, she became pregnant and she knew it: finally I was called to be a missionary to Argentina when I graduated from school, I was so excited! She went to the Lamaze classes, ate the right food, did a gift registry at Babes-r-Us: I went to Intern Kickoff Weekend (where I signed a bunch of papers and learned how to raise support), read lots of books, raised support. All along she was trying not to stress out/worry or overexert because she didn't want to taint the beauty of the pregnancy and the birth: I tried to depend on God to bring the money in, instead of me trying to worry it in, because I didn't want to become jaded amongst other things. Matthew 6:25-34 tells us to not be anxious/worry, we tried to adhere to that. As the pregnancy progressed, she noticed a few discomforts, but she didn't want to over-analyze, so she trusted that things would be fine: as I continued to raise support, I noticed how hard it was coming in, but I didn't want to worry and therefore distrust God. Some people discouraged her about being a mother, saying that she should just put the child up for adoption or should have just adopted, but she's felted called to be a mommy for as long as she can remember and wants it more than anything else: some people said I should just call it quits because there was noway that amount of money would come in, others said that it was wrong for me to go overseas because there are plenty of people that need God here in the States, but I have felt called to be an overseas missionary for as long as I can remember and I want it badly, probably more than I want anything else. Towards the end of her pregnancy things didn't seem to be going well, she didn't feel a lot of movement and feared the worse, but she didn't want to throw in the towel, she'd fight for her child because she loved it: towards the end of support raising things weren't looking good, money had been coming in slowly and unsteadily, but I didn't want to quit because I love missions and that call hasn't gone away. She panicked when others told her that it wasn't looking good and she should abort, but she trusted in God to give her a healthy child; I panicked when bosses told me to quit, but I didn't want to stifle God if He so chose to move and work. So here she is on her due date scared and confused and anxiously waiting to see what's going to happen: so here I am at my deadline scared and confused and anxiously waiting to see what's going to happen. She goes to the hospital...but low and behold the baby is not alive; she's terrified and confused and ashamed and hurting: I am sitting at the Father's feet...but low and behold I am not going to Argentina soon; I'm terrified and confused and ashamed and hurting. We're exhausted.
But the good news for her is that this isn't the end, she can try again, that call to be a mother is still there: this isn't the end for me, I will try again (I don't know in what capacity), that call to be a missionary overseas is still there! While we don't understand why the Lord brought us through such a hard season we trust in His sovereignty in our lives and love Him no less because we cannot fully understand Him. She didn't go through this alone, she had an amazing husband and an even more amazing God: I did not go through this alone, I have excellent friends, family, and supporters and an even more excellent Lover.
I don't know what the Lord has for me in my immediate/distant future, but I will do my best not to fret over it. God is no less sovereign, good, or wise when we do not understand His plan or when we are hurting. There are a whole slew of emotions and questions that I have, but the above is the big picture and a very accurate one of my journey through this season in my life. I have learned much about God and my's relationship, and our relationship has changed for the better. I do not know a lot/anything about my life right now, but I know God holds my future and that will have to be enough for me.
"The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with your spirit, brothers and sisters. Amen." Galatians 6:18
In Christ's Love,
Coléa
As another never-pregnant woman, I think this is a great analogy for how it must feel. I'm praying for you. Let me know what God shows you for the next step.
ReplyDeletedon't give up, love! keep pressing on- God will provide if it is his will! hardship is just an opportunity for God to bless you with a miracle- fight on! we're praying for you!
ReplyDelete