Theirstory Lessons

I often don't give my past self credit. Like, I be knowing, but don't know that I knew until afterwards. I recently opened my journal to write/process, and I read a few journal entries from the past three years. They were sporadic, but very explicit in language. At the time of the older entries, I thought that since I had written about my problems and frustrations that they had been resolved. This isn't true, BUT they were still valuable entries.

People always say that we are to look back at our past to do better, do right, in the present and our futures; they're talking about more global realities, wars and environment. But why not in a microcosmic scale? Why not look at our individual pasts and adjust our presents and futures from there? Why not be in constant communication with my past self? Just because I was young and naive doesn't mean I can't glean lessons from my past self.

When I initially saw this

I felt affirmed and the familiar shame. Shame for not seeing what was happening as it was happening. Shame for letting myself get treated that way without a fight. BUT a week or so later I started reading  past journal entries and encountered recorded moments in which I used almost the exact language  as above. They were moments of tough feelings of conflict/discomfort in which I would conclude that I felt like nothing I did was ever 'right or good enough' for them. I had an anthology of moments and memories that proved that I was beginning to see what was happening and times when I had, in fact, tried standing up for myself. As I read these old entries, the shames diminished. I had fought back and I had called out the abuse! This cue from the past had helped put perspective and encouragement into my present and wisdom to know the signs when they arise in the future.

The revisiting of past journal entries can remind us of the good.  As I read, I found moments of real beauty and happiness from me which reminded me that I'm doing great and will be great in the future. It reminded me that I can be happy and satiated and lively with the right people surrounding me. It reminds me that life can be good.

The past, our individual pasts, is an abundant organism of knowledge. If we treat it like it's something we're trying to ignore and undermine then we'll never have control over the trajectory of our lives. We'll always doubt ourselves because we ignore examples of moments of wit, bravery, and compassion. So now when I journal I want to use as poignant, stunning language I can muster, because I want to live my present and future just that way.