Updates

It's been a while since I've written a blog post, so I figured I could update y'all on my life recently. I'd say a lot has happened. 

Two weeks ago yesterday, I moved. I'm now about 30 minutes south of where I was before in the city I grew up in instead of living in a surrounding city. My roommate is a generous nurse who I know from church. I've never lived on this side of town and I LOVE it. It's only about 15 minutes from the school I teach instead of the 45 minute minimum commute I had before. Now, my commute is a dream and I don't have to wake up nearly as early as before so I don't feel resentful or like shit first thing in the morning. It's great how close I am to the things I love about this city; I never realized how isolated I felt when living in Concord.  I'm quite grateful to be where I am for the time being, even if only for a few months. 

My new place doesn't have cable or internet (yet) so I've been finding other (better) ways to use my time when I'm at home. That means I've been reading a lot.  Reading is literally one of my favorite things to do on this planet; it feels necessary to me like sleeping and eating. A couple nights ago I finished a phenomenal book called Americanah by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie (Chimamanda.com). She says things in this book about race and the USA that I wouldn't dare to say out of fear. The main character is an amazing, intelligent woman who I would love to be real life friends with. Coming off of a high from such a great book, I'm always scared the next book is going to be a deep disappointment, so I decided to read a book that I was already not too interested in. I haven't even officially started Invisible Ellen by Shari Shattuck, but my interests are already surprisingly piqued. The dedication page reads as follows "This book is for anyone who has ever felt they didn't count. You do. Your spirit shines as strong and as pure as any other." How lovely, huh? Maybe I won't be disappointed in this book. 

Yesterday, I actually received a requested letter from my doctor saying that I am healthly as of my last visit with her. It was for the temporary residency visa application packet for living in Chile for a year. The whole process has been a lot of hurry up wait but I almost have all the paperwork required to send off the packet to the Chilean consulate in DC. My hope is that once they receive my application, they quickly decide that they just have to have me in their country and they graciously grant me a temporary residency visa. I don't imagine there's a lot of people in this region trying to get a visa for Chile, but who knows (well, actually the consulate knows and holds a lot of power). I've been saving for several months now, to be able to buy a ticket and still have some money when I move down there. Sometimes it's been easy, but other times I have to tap into those savings to pay bills and live. It's a battle to save when I already don't make enough money as it is, but I'm trying. So if you're feeling generous, toss some money my way, I won't say no. I've requested to be able to enter the country the first full week of July, which is quickly approaching. I had a really great job teaching English lined up, but that ended up not working out, so I'm also trying to find a job down there. None of it feels real because there's still a lot of uncertainty, but I'm trying to stay optimistic and motivated. 

To tie back into the book I'm reading, Invisible Ellen, I've recently, within the past month or so, realized that I have been a person who has shrunk, who has inadvertently tried not to count. I tried to make myself small, tried not to take up space. This is not literal space; it's the kind of space one takes up when around others and although they care for those others they still make sure they are getting what they need and want. My whole life I've been taught, either explicitely or inadvertently, that I'm to put others' needs and wants ahead of mine, that my needs and wants aren't as important or urgent as others' around me. I've been taught to hold others in higher esteem than myself. I've been taught that I don't deserve the good stuff that others deserve. I've been taught I'm not as valuable as others. This is sadly a fairly common thing for women to do in a patriarchal society like ours; women will shrink and contort to the whim and comfort of the men around them. They'll make themselves fit into the cracks of the men's, both strange and familiar, lives. But I do this for the men and women in my life. So while I was still making myself small and inconsequential for those around me and realizing that I was calling myself un-valuable to myself and those around me, while I was trying to take up as little space as possible always giving up my space for others, I was losing myself. I was suffocating and being crushed under the big wants and needs of everyone I love around me, I wasn't fighting back. But there were a few times when I did push back: I asked (having to gather the strength and gumption) some people close to me to be considerate toward me, to let me know when..., to not push your will on me when..., to let me say 'no' when... And every time I was met with annoyed glances, 'the silent treatment', meetings (that felt like ambushes and left me raw) in which I was cornered while they told me all the ways I had hurt them, and other hurtful retaliation. Their responses made me recoil back onto my tiny island which was losing its space. They were no longer safe people to be in relation with because they wouldn't let me take up space, so I tried to minimize our crossing paths and interactions. But even then I was attacked for doing so, I was called childish and passive aggressive. But allowing oneself the space to heal and become isn't childish or passive aggressive it's important and necessary. And it's what I'm doing, now. Countless times a day I remind myself that "you deserve to take up space" "are you taking all the space you need" "have you factored yourself into this equation?" It feels both exhilarating and terrifying and I like it. I don't want to be/feel small, I don't want to be on the periphery of people's lives. I'm either in your life or out of it, but I will not be on the outskirts looking in occasionally invited to a get-together. I'm either all in or all out. So if you want me and will welcome me with all my space (including the space I'm regaining), then invite me for coffee or food, or something. I'll probably say yes. 

That's it folks. 

Comments

  1. I'm excited that things are lining up for you to head to Chile (but I'm also a bit sad because you're going to be on a different continent!) So, if lots of people start throwing money your way and you end up with a bit too much, feel free to set some aside to fund a visit from me to Chile. Also, just for the record, I certainly want you in my life and will do my best to let you have all the space you need.

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