on becoming

'Becoming' is the name of the women's ministry at my church.  I thought the name was lame and therefore the ministry was lame.  I assumed the name, becoming, meant that women would be learning how to become better mothers and wives, and mainly sweet, submissive, demure women; my having grown up in the South and in the church lead me to believe that women's ministries were about making their women into the Stepford wives our patriarchal society drools over.  It occurs to me now what a stupid assumption that was considering 1) while (some of) the women at my church are wives and mothers, all of them are unique powerhouses of splendor, wisdom, and worth (they are not objects composed of a sexist society) and 2) the woman who started the ministry is one of my favorite people on the planet because she is so real, intelligent, graceful, and a delightful feminist.  While I was realizing the above about my ASSumptions concerning the women's ministry, the name, Becoming, came alive to me.  While I don't know exactly what the original story was behind the name, it's taken on a meaning for me, so I'm going to take a stab it.

This year has been remarkable.  I have been in deep, deep holes of despair and I have been on the mountain top.  This year has been different from any other year I have ever lived.  For the first time in almost ten years I feel like I have something to live for.  While I have never entertained suicidal thoughts, my mind would often go to the thought of no longer existing.  I used to think about how if I died right then and there it wouldn't be so bad.  But not anymore!  Now I want to see and live the future, my future.  It feels good.

Chalk it up to a quarter of life crisis, but I've learned so much about myself and have become more comfortable with the natural changes that come with adulthood (personality-wise, not puberty, been there done that).  Here are somethings I've learned about myself and how I function this last year.

1) I'm not as extroverted as I used to be.  I used to need people, like feel-deeply-unloved-if-I-wasn't-always-connecting-with-people need people.  I know some people would call that needy, but I really don't think it is.  Extroverted people tend to get their batteries charged by socializing with other people, that's just how it is and there's nothing wrong with it.  Now, I enjoy being alone.  While I still love spending time with others, I now enjoy being by myself and doing things by myself, like going to the movies or going out to lunch.  I now make it a point to spend time with just me throughout each week.  I like keeping myself company, I'm pretty interesting.

2) My brain isn't normal, but that's okay.  Through meeting with a mentoresque person, I have learned that my brain is busier than most.  At any given time I am thinking multiple thoughts about completely unrelated subjects.  I ask and try to answer a lot of questions all while imagining a different world in which to live.  It can be crippling, and at times embarrassing when I've been daydreaming and someone unknowingly snaps me back to the here and now.  But I've always been this way and have come to accept that I have an often unspoken of ADHD.  (Quick soapbox/PSA: People often think of ADHD in terms of the kid who won't shut up or quit moving who is often disheveled and disorganized, but there's the other type in which their brain is running all over the place, like mine, but they have the physical appearance of being attentive and composed, at most a little spacey.)  I have learned how to 'harness' by brain (although most often I try to entertain all of my thoughts because I think they all deserve attention and I may forget about them later), calming my thoughts and focusing on just a few thoughts instead of the multitude pushing their way to the forefront.  It's both strange and a relief to know how my brain is.

3) I view situations in terms of love.  I was expressing my frustration and disappointment with people, and how hurt I often feel by them, when my mentoresque person hit the nail right on the head: I don't think there's enough love exchanged between fellow beings.  I think we have a love deficiency.  When someone is riding your tail in traffic and then speeds by you with their middle finger pointed at you, it's not just because they're an asshole, it's because they've failed to remember that you are a person and that you may be going that speed for a very real reason, you likely weren't trying to anger them.  They forgot to love you even in the midst of frustration.  When someone says something that hurts you, they may not be trying to do so, they might just have forgotten to speak with truth AND love (or perhaps they're like me and very blunt and forget that people like to be buttered up before you drop some truth on them).  Although this epiphany has not stopped me from getting hurt, it has reminded me of how frail we are and how clumsy we can be when we're interacting with others, strange or familiar.  Humans are so selfish, so it's hard for us to love; we have to remember to think of others' needs and even wants before we think of ours.  I try my very hardest and am often met with selfishness on their part, but as much as it hurts I will continue to love.

4) Singleness is fun, I kinda don't want it to end.  A lot of people my age either are in a serious relationship (dating, engaged, married) or want to be.  I have a friend who wants to be married and already have kids by the time they're 30, they turn 26 next month.  So the pressure is on.  I can honestly say that I don't have a deep desire for marriage and family life.  It's in the forefront of my mind, not because I want it, but because everyone won't shut-up about it!  Everyone, just calm the hell down, life can be fulfilling without a partner/spouse.  I used to do the whole pray for my future husband thing and try to 'train' for being the perfect wife for my impending mate, but then I realized how ridiculous it is to tie up your whole reason for self-growth and self-worth in the un-promised hope of a spouse/partner.  Sure it's great to become better, but isn't it better to be better for more than one person?  Say an oppressed or marginalized people group?  My desire for marriage has never been real, it's always been something I thought was inevitable.  It's certainly the norm, but it's not a requirement.  And most definitely not a requirement for a 100% fulfilling life.

So becoming...we are always doing it and it'll likely be challenging.  But, I think, if we're doing it correctly it'll be liberating.  Liberating to know oneself and to not just accept oneself, but to love oneself.