Labor Day
As I write this entry, I am dealing with a lot of emotions, mostly (if not all) unpleasant ones. Today was Labor Day, my long weekend was the best in a while, but there was one big spoiler: today the Argentina STINT teams left for Argentina. Obviously I am not with that group tonight as I have student teaching this last semester and will be joining them post-graduation in January. "Oh well, that's only a few short months away" some have said to me; but the truth is, it doesn't feel short to me. I have wanted to be a missionary in this capacity for my whole life, so having "a few short months" in my way is a bit too suspenseful for me.
Today Bridgette (who will be STINTing in Chile come January) and I went up to Raleigh-Durham Airport to see off two members of the La Plata, Argentina Team. I've known this day would come for several months now, but it actually happened! At the airport, were the STINTers' mom's and brothers, and some friends, and then Bridgette and I. I didn't expect for it to be as emotional for me; I didn't cry like others there, but I certainly wanted to go with them on that plane!
Perhaps it seems strange that I would be so emotional, or you wonder what emotions are plaguing me right now.
At STINT Briefing a few weeks ago in Chicago, the Argentina (and Chile) STINT teams spent every moment together. It was like old friends getting together and making the best of their short time together. To me, it felt like we had been friends forever and that we were all simply meant to be together. In four words: We make sense together. I can't recall a time when a team that I was a part connected so easily and so organically; it's beautiful to have that type of relationship. So when I say stuff like "I miss my STINT team", I legitimately do. I don't just want to be down in Argentina, I want to be with them in Argentina.
And now the more complicated part, the emotions! It's hard for me to put my finger on one exact emotion, there's a whole slew, even ones I don't know words for. I feel sad that I won't be able to join them until January. I feel frustrated because I still have a lot of support to raise (around 80%) and I have been working hard and feeling very little progress. I feel scared because I don't know what these next few months entail with student teaching and Ministry Partner Development; I'm also scared that it'll be too much for me to handle and balance. I feel disappointed in myself because if I had been better in school I would have graduated in May and would be on that plane right now. I feel anticipatory of how the Lord will provide the $33,000 total; and I look forward to seeing what this semester does to His and my relationship. I am hopeful that I will continue to learn what it means to truly trust Him for everything and to authentically live that out each day. There are more emotions that I can't explain, but these are the big'uns!
When I returned home from RDU (airport), I finally cried. I felt embarrassed that I would cry over something so unavoidable and predictable, but then I realized I wasn't just crying because I would miss my team, I realized I was full of somewhat unresolved and unrealized emotions. After a brief (but still too long) pity-party I turned to the Lord for comfort and guidance. I told Him a little of how I was feeling, about how badly I wanted to be in Argentina with my team right now and how I want to trust Him with everything. He told me this: "Beloved, I have you here for a purpose. Let your life shine while here, this isn't a holding tank/room. Be obedient and love here. I AM in control, you can trust Me. I AM faithful. Coléa, I know you're sad, but I bring joy not sadness. It's okay to want to join them, but don't feel like you're not supposed to be here. I have you right where I want you. Trust Me! Jeremiah 29:11, trust Me with every bit of you, beloved. It'll be okay. Stay focused on Me and everything will be fine. I love you, My child, and I am sovereign. Trust Me." After hearing from Him, I felt much better; He comforted me.
I still am bummed that I'm not leaving now, but it delights me to know that God is still using me here in Greensboro. I am now happily anticipatory of looking back at what the Lord has done in my live and others this semester.
Today Bridgette (who will be STINTing in Chile come January) and I went up to Raleigh-Durham Airport to see off two members of the La Plata, Argentina Team. I've known this day would come for several months now, but it actually happened! At the airport, were the STINTers' mom's and brothers, and some friends, and then Bridgette and I. I didn't expect for it to be as emotional for me; I didn't cry like others there, but I certainly wanted to go with them on that plane!
Perhaps it seems strange that I would be so emotional, or you wonder what emotions are plaguing me right now.
At STINT Briefing a few weeks ago in Chicago, the Argentina (and Chile) STINT teams spent every moment together. It was like old friends getting together and making the best of their short time together. To me, it felt like we had been friends forever and that we were all simply meant to be together. In four words: We make sense together. I can't recall a time when a team that I was a part connected so easily and so organically; it's beautiful to have that type of relationship. So when I say stuff like "I miss my STINT team", I legitimately do. I don't just want to be down in Argentina, I want to be with them in Argentina.
And now the more complicated part, the emotions! It's hard for me to put my finger on one exact emotion, there's a whole slew, even ones I don't know words for. I feel sad that I won't be able to join them until January. I feel frustrated because I still have a lot of support to raise (around 80%) and I have been working hard and feeling very little progress. I feel scared because I don't know what these next few months entail with student teaching and Ministry Partner Development; I'm also scared that it'll be too much for me to handle and balance. I feel disappointed in myself because if I had been better in school I would have graduated in May and would be on that plane right now. I feel anticipatory of how the Lord will provide the $33,000 total; and I look forward to seeing what this semester does to His and my relationship. I am hopeful that I will continue to learn what it means to truly trust Him for everything and to authentically live that out each day. There are more emotions that I can't explain, but these are the big'uns!
When I returned home from RDU (airport), I finally cried. I felt embarrassed that I would cry over something so unavoidable and predictable, but then I realized I wasn't just crying because I would miss my team, I realized I was full of somewhat unresolved and unrealized emotions. After a brief (but still too long) pity-party I turned to the Lord for comfort and guidance. I told Him a little of how I was feeling, about how badly I wanted to be in Argentina with my team right now and how I want to trust Him with everything. He told me this: "Beloved, I have you here for a purpose. Let your life shine while here, this isn't a holding tank/room. Be obedient and love here. I AM in control, you can trust Me. I AM faithful. Coléa, I know you're sad, but I bring joy not sadness. It's okay to want to join them, but don't feel like you're not supposed to be here. I have you right where I want you. Trust Me! Jeremiah 29:11, trust Me with every bit of you, beloved. It'll be okay. Stay focused on Me and everything will be fine. I love you, My child, and I am sovereign. Trust Me." After hearing from Him, I felt much better; He comforted me.
I still am bummed that I'm not leaving now, but it delights me to know that God is still using me here in Greensboro. I am now happily anticipatory of looking back at what the Lord has done in my live and others this semester.
If you "had been better at school and graduated in May" you may not have even followed the Lord's lead to apply for STINT. I know it's hard to see this in the sadness of the moment, but God has been a part of the whole process and He knows what you can handle and when. Graduation plans change, you 'randomly' attend a STINT time at Encounter, you apply to STINT in Costa Rica, God turns your heart to Argentina, He confirms that choice at briefing - who knows what He has planned for these next few months?
ReplyDelete