uninspired
I feel uninspired. I feel that I have only little glimpses of the supposed good stuff that makes up life: car, house, housemates, money, community. But all else feels empty. What is "all else"? There's something missing that used to live inside me. I hate to say that I'm almost entirely certain I know what that 'something' is, yet I sit here without attempting to attain it, to connect to it. Life feels hollow without it. If I am a branch, then I am a dying one, shriveling up from self-inflicted alienation from the Vine.
So what's wrong with me that I would continue to let myself dry up when I know where Living Water is to be accessed? Bitterness? Perhaps a little. Cynicism? A lot. Anger? Not so much. Fear? Probably. Anticipation? Most definitely. There's all those emotions coursing through my veins, sucking me dry; but there used to be life rushing through me. There used to be hope, joy, love, inspiration, purpose, identity. All those things are great, all those things are missed by me.
The circumstances of the past several months (9 or so) have aided in my transformation from a person of joy with a zest for life, to a cynic who wants to hardheadedly prove herself to no one in particular. Especially to the big One. I am continuously resistant to the gentle urges/love-nudges from the One who matters most, yet I continue to take what He gives to me. But with an entitled pout.
But the embarrassing truth is I act like He owes me. 'Yea, You better give me a job/house/car after you didn't provide for me before.' While I may be acting like He owes me, in my mind I'm a scared little girl who's holding tightly to her trivial, earthly things in fear of the big bad monster coming to take them away and leave her with nothing again. How pathetic.
When I hear (and believe me I've heard it a lot lately) messages about doing big, great things for the Lord, and about trusting Him to work in super ways through you, I think "yea, I tried that and I got shot down; so don't you tell me I'm doing something wrong. I'm just trying to live, to survive." It seems foolish (although I know it's the opposite of) to me to try to persevere when you keep getting shut down and kicked. Save yourself the heartache and don't, just don't.
Funny how you let yourself feel discouraged and bitter about one thing, big or small, in your life that you don't like and everything else becomes blown out of proportion or the opposite, disappointing and insignificant. The man that you like seems unattainable, the jobs that you have aren't really that great, the stuff that you have could be better. I don't want to live life like that! But I'm afraid, my friends, that I'm stuck. It's as if my brain is retrained on how to look at everything you have and feel utter dissatisfaction. I want to take the step forward into feeling alive on the inside again, but I have these mind blocks that are constant reminders of the hurt/disappointment/disillusionment/doubt that I've been feeling, and why, that cause me to take steps back.
The truth is, I'm a mess. And while the world would not see the mess, I know it's there. The outside of my cup is clean, but the inside is riddled with labyrinths of self-defense against the 'big, bad' God who can give, but chose to take away. But the good news is that it doesn't matter how airtight I make my defenses, He can break through. He's been politely knocking and I've been nervously and cynically pacing in front of the door, wanting to open, but scared what is going to happen when I do. It's the bad times that keep me from opening the door, and the uncertainty of what's exactly in store on the other side, the side of life.
So I'll take baby-steps towards that door, because the wall is crumbling around it. I can't see it, but I know it's there, but I have a feeling I'll be surprised no matter what's on the other side of my door.
So what's wrong with me that I would continue to let myself dry up when I know where Living Water is to be accessed? Bitterness? Perhaps a little. Cynicism? A lot. Anger? Not so much. Fear? Probably. Anticipation? Most definitely. There's all those emotions coursing through my veins, sucking me dry; but there used to be life rushing through me. There used to be hope, joy, love, inspiration, purpose, identity. All those things are great, all those things are missed by me.
The circumstances of the past several months (9 or so) have aided in my transformation from a person of joy with a zest for life, to a cynic who wants to hardheadedly prove herself to no one in particular. Especially to the big One. I am continuously resistant to the gentle urges/love-nudges from the One who matters most, yet I continue to take what He gives to me. But with an entitled pout.
But the embarrassing truth is I act like He owes me. 'Yea, You better give me a job/house/car after you didn't provide for me before.' While I may be acting like He owes me, in my mind I'm a scared little girl who's holding tightly to her trivial, earthly things in fear of the big bad monster coming to take them away and leave her with nothing again. How pathetic.
When I hear (and believe me I've heard it a lot lately) messages about doing big, great things for the Lord, and about trusting Him to work in super ways through you, I think "yea, I tried that and I got shot down; so don't you tell me I'm doing something wrong. I'm just trying to live, to survive." It seems foolish (although I know it's the opposite of) to me to try to persevere when you keep getting shut down and kicked. Save yourself the heartache and don't, just don't.
Funny how you let yourself feel discouraged and bitter about one thing, big or small, in your life that you don't like and everything else becomes blown out of proportion or the opposite, disappointing and insignificant. The man that you like seems unattainable, the jobs that you have aren't really that great, the stuff that you have could be better. I don't want to live life like that! But I'm afraid, my friends, that I'm stuck. It's as if my brain is retrained on how to look at everything you have and feel utter dissatisfaction. I want to take the step forward into feeling alive on the inside again, but I have these mind blocks that are constant reminders of the hurt/disappointment/disillusionment/doubt that I've been feeling, and why, that cause me to take steps back.
The truth is, I'm a mess. And while the world would not see the mess, I know it's there. The outside of my cup is clean, but the inside is riddled with labyrinths of self-defense against the 'big, bad' God who can give, but chose to take away. But the good news is that it doesn't matter how airtight I make my defenses, He can break through. He's been politely knocking and I've been nervously and cynically pacing in front of the door, wanting to open, but scared what is going to happen when I do. It's the bad times that keep me from opening the door, and the uncertainty of what's exactly in store on the other side, the side of life.
So I'll take baby-steps towards that door, because the wall is crumbling around it. I can't see it, but I know it's there, but I have a feeling I'll be surprised no matter what's on the other side of my door.
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